


Left to Chance

by Mattiewilda



Category: Boy Meets World
Genre: F/M, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Making Peace with the Past
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-05
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-06-05 23:35:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15181796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mattiewilda/pseuds/Mattiewilda
Summary: It's been a few years since Shawn and Angela's encounter in the cafe and circumstances have changed for both of them since then. He's divorced and she's a widowed, single mother. Can a random meeting help them heal wounds both old and new? (Post BMW/GMW)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place after BMW and GMW, but I'll try to show things more from Angela's POV and counter the writers' continuous attempts to unjustly vilify her. Shawn and Angela deserved better than what they were given, even if they didn't end up together.
> 
> The title comes from song lyrics to the Garth Brooks' song, The Dance.

"Everything looks great so far, Shawn."

"Thanks," he responded, holding up a hand to shield his eyes from the California sun as it reflected off of the ocean. "I'll send the rest of the pictures and the rough draft of my article as soon as I find a place with decent Wi-Fi. It's just my luck to be bumped from my flight and be unable to find another hotel room."

"It is Comic-Con weekend. There's probably not an available room for at least one hundred miles in any direction."

"Yeah, that's what they said at the front desks of every hotel, lodge, inn, and flea bag roach motel when I asked- at least when they stopped laughing in my face."

"Sorry about that. If you do manage to get a room, just charge it to the business."

"Oh, I was going to," he quipped.

"In the meantime, enjoy the next day or two. Maybe it will convince you to take the transfer."

Shawn sighed. "Helen, we've been over this."

"I know, I know, you're an east coast guy."

"Exactly, nothing about me is California- especially southern California. It's a nice place to visit, but it's not me."

"Sorry, I'll quit asking. You're just one of my best employees and I need people I trust to help head up the west coast office we're trying to get off the ground. I thought of you because I figured of all people you could use the change of scenery. Your divorce wasn't that long ago and then the kid announced she wanted to reverse the adoption and all-"

It seemed he would never stop paying for drunk emailing his boss and telling her to fire him because he was such a screw up- and offered all the reasons why. "Are we through?" She meant well, but he didn't need to be reminded of his most recent failures.

"Right…well just send me the rough draft when you can."

Shawn said nothing else before he ended the call and shoved his phone back into his pocket. _Hit the Road_ had sent him to the San Diego area to uncover some vacation destinations, both the touristy goldmines and little spots that the locals kept secret. He jumped at the chance to get as far away from New York as possible. And this was definitely not New York. He looked around the pier. It was a place tourists flocked to and he could see why. It was nice, but a little too crowded for him. Maybe that was how he could use the extra day he suddenly had. He could explore those local hideaways and add pictures to his article without giving their exact location, mysteries for readers to uncover. There was a beach a bit further down the road, away from the shopping and restaurants, that he heard didn't attract much traffic but was supposed to be idyllic. He hopped into his rental car, briefly glancing into the backseat as he went- hoping by some miracle he didn't have to sleep there tonight.

/

_'Yes,'_ Shawn thought to himself, _'this was more like it.'_ This beach was beautiful and practically deserted. There was a small group playing volleyball several yards down, an older couple jogging right along the water's edge, and a mother having a picnic with her young children and the family's dogs. Serene was the only word to describe it. He took out his camera and began snapping away, careful not to get any faces in the shots.

/

/

"Mo' bubbas! Mo' bubbas!"

Angela dipped the wand back into the soapy solution. Their laughter and jubilant squeals as she sent another stream of bubbles into the air was music to her ears. It didn't take much to make her children smile. She wished she was as easy to please, but if they were safe and happy that was enough for her. They were enough. They were everything. Her kids were all she had left. She wouldn't have survived these past couple months of hell without them to anchor her. They kept her going when she wanted to give up and surrender to her grief. But she couldn't surrender. She had to keep getting out of bed each morning. Some days required more effort than others, but she still did it. Her babies were counting on her.

"Mama, bubbas!"

Her daughter toddled towards her and, once again, lost her never-ending battle with gravity. "Uh-oh, did you go boom? Did you fall and go boom?" Angela kissed the baby's cheek and didn't even flinch when tiny hands, sticky with soap and gritty with sand, used her bare leg to push herself back up to her feet. Before becoming a mom she was the one who shied away from kids and their sticky, messy hands. It was different when it was your own though. Her mother-in-law had been right. "Good job, Zora," she cheered. "That's what you do. Keep getting up."

/

After a while Shawn realized he kept coming back to the small family. Mom was blowing bubbles and the dogs and little boy- who had to be no older than two or three- were jumping around trying to catch them. The younger child tried to mimic her brother but continually fell on her butt. She kept getting up, though, no matter how wobbly her legs were. It was more resilience than he had shown lately. He didn't know how he felt about being outclassed by a baby.

In the midst of all the activity he found himself transfixed by the mysterious mother. Her back had been to him this entire time, but there was something about her that felt very familiar. The long dark hair, her graceful movements, the way her body shook with laughter at the children's antics, her energy….there was just something about her that called out to him. He rubbed his eyes and tried to shove away the feelings of déjà vu. If his marriage and divorce taught him nothing else, it was that relationships just weren't for him. It would be a favor to women everywhere if he committed himself to being single. He would especially stay away from women with children. They were just innocent victims caught up in bad choices. Perhaps he'd become a monk. But before he googled the nearest monasteries he needed a few more pictures for his article. Maybe he'd just ask the woman if he could capture a few shots of the dogs chasing the bubbles with the beach environment as the backdrop. It would satisfy his curiosity to see her up close and he could potentially get more work done- nothing but positives. People were generally more agreeable about having their pets in pictures compared to themselves or their kids.

/

A low growl from one of the dogs caught her attention. Angela turned around and saw a figure approaching from down the beach, but because of the sun all she could make out was that it was a man. When she looked back seconds later, her girl was positioned alongside the children. The canine had always been protective of the youngest members of her pack. Her other dog was lying on his back, oblivious to everything. He may look intimidating, but was a puddle of goo. "Nala, sit," Angela ordered. The dog obeyed. "Stay." After making sure the kids were safely occupied with their toys she got up and stood at the edge of the blanket. "If you're selling something, I'm not buying," she called out to the mystery man. "I don't have any cash on me if you're begging for money and if you're coming to hit on me don't waste your time. I'm not interested."

_That voice..._ He'd been out in the sun too long, Shawn rationalized. That had to be it. He was dehydrated and needed something to eat. It was the only way to explain why she appeared like magic right before his eyes. She was a mirage, a damn convincing one at that. The closer he got the more real she became. But it couldn't actually be her. Could it? What were the odds? "Angela?" Was he really this lucky? Or unlucky?

"You're upsetting my dog so could you leave-" Wait a minute. "-Shawn?" She removed her sunglasses and put them on top of her head.

"Y-yeah." He exhaled slowly. Hardwired actions like breathing seemed to take a conscious effort now. "You look beautiful," he blurted out. Only Angela, after all these years, was capable of reducing him to a babbling idiot. Even now standing before him in denim cutoffs, a green tank top, and without an ounce of makeup on her face she was still the most stunning woman he'd ever seen. "I mean….hi."

"Thank you. And hello." She offered him a small smile but didn't move from her spot on the blanket. "What are you doing here of all places?"

"Working. I was supposed to go home today but my plane was overbooked and I got bumped. I can't get another flight until tomorrow at the earliest and with it being Comic-Con weekend my hotel room is already gone. So I thought I'd kill time and take photos of the lesser known sights, things only locals know about."

"You're not publishing pictures of this beach are you?"

"I was thinking about it."

"Don't you dare! It's an oasis in the middle of bustling tourist traps. We don't need that ruined."

He found himself agreeing immediately. If she needed a relaxing place he'd do what he could to preserve that for her.

"Mama!"

Shawn watched two small children wrap themselves around her legs. They coated her in sand and who knows what else. The Angela he knew would've been grossed out and needed to clean up immediately. But this Angela didn't even react. She crouched down to pick up her daughter and rested her on her hip. "I guess you got around to having kids, huh?" It was, perhaps, the most stupid question he'd ever asked in his life.

"This is Zora and Julius. How old are you guys, huh? Zora, how many are you?" The baby proudly held up one finger. "Right, you're that many. She's fourteen months old," she clarified. "Jude, how about you?"

"No!"

She chuckled. "Okay. He's two and a half."

"Julius was your dad's middle name, right?"

"Right," she confirmed with a smile, touched he remembered. "But we call him Jude."

"Wow, he even looks like your dad."

"Yeah, I know. I think dad would've gotten a big kick out of that. Guys, can you say hi to mama's very good friend, Shawn?" Her son hid behind her leg but Zora waved and offered a 'hi-hi.' "Jude's been going through a shy period lately."

"That's okay, buddy. Me, too." The moment he took a step forward, one of the dogs growled and moved between him and Angela's family. "Aah!" He stumbled back and fell.

"Nala, stop, it's okay." She ran a free hand across the top of the dog's head. "Sorry about that. She's protective of the kids, especially after everything that's happened lately." Angela reached into her pocket and pulled out a treat. "Just let her sniff your hand and give her one of these and you'll be fine."

He was skeptical, but did what she said. It worked. "What kind of dog is she?"

"Who knows- Nala's just a big shelter mutt. I think there's some shepherd in her, but that's just a guess."

Way back when- whenever they talked about their futures- they planned to rescue a shelter animal, one of the forgotten who needed love the most. At least one of them stuck to their plan. "What about the other guy…or girl?" He gestured to the dog wriggling around on the blanket.

Angela laughed before saying, "Oh, Marshmallow lives up to his name. You're more likely to be licked to death or crushed under the weight of his doggie hugs. He's a gentle giant who loves everyone and is afraid of his own shadow."

"Yeah…I hear that a lot about Rottweilers."

She arched her brow at his sarcastic tone. "Please don't tell me you buy into the breed stereotypes."

"I haven't been around dogs enough to know. I travel too much."

The silence that followed was awkward, not like the past. They used to be able to spend hours side by side, barely a word spoken between them. It was enough that they were together. That was what mattered. Words weren't necessary. The entire time he was with Katy he tried not to compare her to Angela, but this was one area where they significantly differed. Like him, Angela found solace in silence. She understood words didn't always need to be spoken to be said. Katy didn't get that. If anything she couldn't stand silence. She seemed to need every waking moment to be filled with noise. When she wasn't talking, she tried to wrangle him to be the audience for her goofy songs and random impressions. It drove him nuts and on more than one occasion he simply walked out of the apartment during one of her skits. He wasn't proud of those times, but they happened. He was snapped out of his musings when one of Angela's children cried for her attention and he realized she was staring at him, weary and growing impatient. He thought they would always have their quiet bond, but the longer the silence stretched on the heavier it became. He found himself hoping they were just out of practice. "How have you been?"

Angela wanted to scream. It was bad enough Shawn kept staring at her, trying to assess her feelings, but then when he does finally speak he asks the one question she's grown to hate the most? "You know, one day at a time. That's what everyone says, right?" She shrugged. "The kids keep me pretty busy."

A frown marred his features. What was she talking about? "Is your husband around?" He immediately kicked himself for asking. Shawn wasn't interested in knowing anything about her husband. In fact, he'd be happy to pretend the guy didn't exist, but he also wanted to ease the awkwardness. So he chose to extend an olive branch. He'd address the elephant in the room head on and be the bigger person. "It-it might be nice to meet him." If this didn't prove that Shawn Hunter could experience personal growth nothing would.

"Is that supposed to be funny?"

"What are you-"

"Why would you want to hurt me like that- and in front of my children? What's the matter with you?" She shoved her sunglasses down over her eyes, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of her tears. "What's next? Are you going to ask if my dad could join us, too?"

He brought his hands to his face, more confused by the minute. "But your dad is-" He suddenly realized what she meant. "So your husband-"

"About two months ago. It was an accident, a training exercise gone wrong."

"Oh, god, Angela, I'm so sorry. I-I didn't know." Just a few seconds ago he wished the guy didn't exist. And now... "I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it," she said, clearing her throat before continuing. "I should've known you wouldn't be that mean. You're a lot of things, Shawn, but you've never been cruel. I guess the thing about grief is that it isn't always rational. I'm sorry for biting your head off."

He shook his head. "You have nothing to apologize for."

"Come on kids, time to put the toys away." She sank back to the sand and crammed their belongings into the backpack as quickly as possible, to hell with organization. All Angela wanted to do right now was go home. "I am surprised Cory and Topanga didn't mention something when they dropped their thoroughly generic condolence card in the mail." They had let Hallmark handle all of the sentiment and scrawled out a simple, 'Sincerely, Cory and Topanga.'

Shawn took a few steps back, surprised at the bite in her words. She was the one who moved away years ago and drifted apart from him and her friends. What did she have to be bitter about in that regard? Those were her choices. "No, they didn't say a word." If she heard, she didn't acknowledge him. She was preoccupied helping the kids put away their beach mess and singing a song about cleaning up. Jude quietly sang along with her and Zora yelled out about every third word. It was cute, even if he never pegged her as the mom who led singalongs. "Is there something I can do? Do you need any-"

"No, we're fine. This situation sucks, but we're doing what we can to make it through each day. We have family and friends. We have a good support system." She secured the leashes to the dogs. "If you don't mind, I need to get Jude and Zora home. It's past lunchtime. They need to eat and so do I. They're going to get cranky soon."

"Right." Shawn was awed when she, in quick succession: put the backpack on, held a leash in each hand, and lifted the kids so there was one on each hip. It was the most impressive multitask he'd ever witnessed. He sobered slightly when he remembered why it was she needed to handle this all by herself. "Still, if you ever need anything…"

"Thanks, but we're okay."

"Oh. Great." He wanted to memorize every detail just in case this was the last time he was fortunate enough to be in her presence. If only she wasn't wearing those sunglasses.

"Shawn?"

He jumped. "Yeah?"

"Could you get Jude's toy," she asked, nodding towards his feet. "He dropped it."

He picked up the stuffed snow leopard and dusted off the sand. "Here you go. Good as new."

"Jude, what do you say," Angela prompted. He shook his head. "Shawn saved Mr. Spotty from the sand. Can you tell him thank you?"

Shawn saw the boy's mouth move and assumed his thanks was lost amongst the wind and waves. "You're welcome, Jude."

"It was nice seeing you again," she said after a few beats of silence.

"Actually, do you mind if I walk with you? I'm about to head out, too. I'll walk you to your car."

"Sure, if you want to…I guess."

They trudged quietly up the beach, the only sounds coming from the children. It was another one of those silences he used to find comforting, but was now awkward. Angela had a family now. She had a life. And he knew absolutely nothing about it. When he saw her a few years ago he knew she and her husband were thinking about having a baby but he wasn't aware that she now had two children. Well, that was half right. He knew about her son. Seeing Jude's birth announcement was the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak and sent him out to a jewelry store to buy Katy's engagement ring in an effort to prove just how over Angela and ready to move on he really was. He had second thoughts, but by then Cory and Topanga were whispering in his ear and telling him how perfect things with Katy were and how it seemed like fate. And who knew him better than Cory and Topanga?

"Here we are," Angela said, as she stopped alongside a blue SUV. "Crap."

"Bad word, mama," Jude scolded with a finger in her face. "No say it."

She smiled. He had no problems speaking around strangers now. "I know. Mama made a mistake. I'm sorry."

"You get forgiveness."

"Thank you, baby."

"What's wrong?"

"I left the key in the backpack. Could you get it for me and hit the button to unlock the car? It should be in the front pocket."

Within seconds he had the keyless key in his hand. "Okay, unlocked. Anything else?"

"Hit the bottom button to open the back so I can get the dogs in. I can take it from there." It took a few minutes, but she got the dogs loaded into the back and the kids situated in their car seats. "Thanks for the assist," she said, taking the key fob from him.

"Hey, all I did was hit a couple buttons." How did he say goodbye to her yet again? A hug felt wrong. It went against all of his instincts that would typically scream to hold onto Angela and never let her go. Though he could feel her loneliness and pain, her body language did not read like someone who would welcome a hug, even from him. He took a smaller gamble and reached for her hand instead. She didn't immediately pull away, which he took as a good sign. "It was nice seeing you again."

"You, too."

"Take care of yourself…and the kids. And if you ever need anything, please just let me-"

She smiled at him. "I know. Thanks, Shawn. I appreciate that." She squeezed his hand lightly before pulling away. "You take care, too." Angela was about to get into her car when something stopped her, she remembered an earlier piece of their conversation. "Hey, Shawn?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm guessing with all the chaos of being bumped from your flight you didn't eat lunch, right?"

"No, not yet."

"I'm not promising a gourmet meal. In fact, I might only have Lunchables, Spaghettios, and yogurt and applesauce you eat out of tubes, but it's edible. Oh, and juice boxes and goldfish crackers. I'm up to my ass in those."

"Hey, have you had airplane food lately? Lunchables and applesauce would be a step up," he joked. "And I'll never turn down a juice box."

"Let me see your phone." He handed it over without question. "You can follow me in your car, but just in case we get separated I'll put in my address." She gave it back to him. "I don't live far. You can actually see the ocean from my kitchen."

"Nice."

Angela smiled at him before hopping into her car and starting the ignition. For a moment Shawn was frozen. She still looked exactly the same and if he ignored the kids, the dogs, and the diamond rings on her finger it would be so easy to imagine that this was their normal- meeting up between jobs to see each other whenever they could.

He nearly jumped out of his skin when his phone rang. The caller id said it was Cory and he briefly thought about not answering. However, he knew that would only mean fifty more times of Cory calling until he confirmed his friend was okay. "Hey, Cor."

"Hi, Shawnie. I just saw your text. Sorry about your flight. What are you going to do until tomorrow?"

"I'll find some way to kill time," he said, walking to his car. "San Diego is a big city."

"Don't get into any trouble."

"What do I do if trouble finds me?"

"Huh? Shawnie what are you talking about? That was a joke. Please don't make me have to wire you bail money."

He sighed into the phone. "I'm kidding, Cory. I'm only kidding. I'll call you later, okay? I'm going to go get some lunch."

"Let me know if you get an earlier flight."

"I will. Hey, Cor?"

"Yeah?"

"How's Maya?" The girl was staying with Cory and Topanga for a bit while Katy was in Vancouver auditioning for bit parts in independent movies. He didn't think it was the right time for her to leave Maya and do it, but as he heard over and over again, they were no longer his concern.

"She's doing okay. Between hanging out with Riley and helping Topanga in the coffee shop we're keeping her busy."

"Good. Has she asked about me?"

"No and if Topanga and I mention your name we get death stares from her and Riley and they leave the room."

"Right."

"Just give it time."

"Yeah…so, I'll call you later."

"Talk to you later. And remember, nothing stupid."

"We'll see." Shawn put his phone in the center console and followed Angela's car out of the parking lot. He was about to enter her world, whether he was ready or not.


	2. Chapter 2

Angela had a palm tree in her front yard; two of them actually. That was Shawn's first thought upon pulling into her driveway. It was an odd, random thing to notice, but today seemed to be the day for odd and random. Not that he was unfamiliar with palm trees- they were a common sight in the trailer park- but much like the tacky pink flamingos that oft accompanied them, those were plastic. These were very real. His phone buzzed and he picked it up to read the text. Angela wanted him to come into the garage. After debating for a few seconds he grabbed his camera and laptop bags from the passenger seat before going in.

"Don't trust my neighborhood," she teased, seeing the bags. "It's pretty safe around here. Mostly former military, some still active, so people have it ingrained to be nosy and look out for each other. But I wouldn't leave anything expensive in my car even if I were in the middle of nowhere, so I get it." She closed the garage door before opening the back of the vehicle to let the dogs out. The jumped down and ran out into the yard.

Shawn stood there awkwardly while Angela removed the kids from the car. He felt like he should offer to help her carry a bag…or even a kid…but she seemed to have a handle on it. She was, after all, used to doing things by herself now.

He looked around the garage, but it was nothing out of the ordinary. There was more gardening equipment than he imagined her having. She had never been what he would call an outdoorsy person and he couldn't picture her spending the day mowing the lawn, trimming hedges, or whatever else was involved with grass and plants. Then again, this was California. Maybe she had a gardener? Or her husband is the gardener…or rather, _was_ the gardener.

"Shawn?"

He spun around and saw her in the doorway. Zora was in her arms and Jude wrapped himself around her leg, his face hidden so he wouldn't have to look at the stranger. "Yeah?"

"Were you planning on staying in here or what?"

"Um, no, sorry. Sorry. It's been a long morning."

"That's okay. Just follow us and close the door behind you."

He did as he was told and, once his eyes again adjusted to the sun, was in awe of the sight before him. Her yard looked like something out of a magazine. It was sensory overload- lush and green and smelled amazing. "You have flowers."

"Why do you sound surprised?"

"I never pictured them in your backyard. Is that a bird of paradise? I thought those were only in Hawaii or on other islands. Wow, what's that over there?"

Angela smiled. She was very proud of her yard and of the fact that she's been able to keep it thriving in spite of everything. "That's the nice thing about San Diego. You can grow stuff all year round."

"Mama, bearsy!"

She looked to where the baby was pointing, towards the raspberry bush. Words were very new to her so Angela often relied on other clues to figure out what she was trying to communicate. "Okay, Zora. We'll get some berries. Let's go inside and get a bowl. Jude, do you want raspberries, too?"

He shook his head. "Orange."

"Okay. Shawn, can you get an orange for Jude, please? And help yourself to something to go with lunch. We've got a raspberry bush, the orange tree, and a peach tree over by the fence. We planted a nectarine tree late last fall, but no fruit yet. Hopefully next year."

"Can I have an orange _and_ a peach?"

She wanted to laugh. He was acting like a little kid who'd never seen fruit without the little stickers on them from the produce section at the grocery store. Seconds later she realized that was likely true. "Knock yourself out."

Shawn was trying to select the best looking orange for Jude when he thought back to days in the trailer park. He wished they had something like this: trees or a community garden of some sort. Picking a peach would've been a hell of a lot easier, and less embarrassing, than skimming a meal from Cory or swiping something from the school cafeteria…or convenience store….or the other less honest ways he acquired food back then. Once he was satisfied with his fruit selections, he followed Angela and the kids as they headed inside. While walking he noticed a rather large sandbox alongside the house. "What, you don't get enough of the beach you had to bring it home with you," he joked. "Is there a mini ocean stashed somewhere?" On the other side of the house he could see a swing set as well, complete with a slide and climbing apparatus.

Though her gait slowed, she didn't turn around to face him. "It's for those days I can't quite will myself to get dressed and leave the house. Ever since Grant…" She shook her head. "At least this way the kids aren't cooped up and they can still play and get fresh air and I don't have to deal with other people."

He wanted nothing more than for the ground to swallow him up then and there. "Oh."

/

"Zora, no, don't put all of your food into your mouth. Eat a little bit at a time."

"Zora bad."

"No, Jude, she is not being bad. She's learning. She's still a baby, remember? It's our job to teach her."

"Zora, look." The boy took little bites of his food. "Eat like Jude." Within moments she was mimicking him. "Mama, she did it! I teached-ed her."

Angela decided to skip the lecture about talking with food in one's mouth this time. Focus on the positive. "Good job! You guys are such good eaters. Remember, after lunch we can watch one show on TV. Then you each pick out a book for naptime."

"Booo!"

"No nap!"

Shawn couldn't help but laugh at the jeers from the tiny peanut gallery. He had spent lunch parked in a chair in the corner and keeping his mouth shut. He didn't want to say anything else stupid or that would hurt Angela's feelings. Keep his head down and focus on food. That had been his plan. And it worked so far. "Aren't they too young to have opinions?"

"Not my children. They let their thoughts be known from a very young age."

"They take after you then."

Her eyebrows shot up. "Excuse me?"

"Well you're such a strong person it makes perfect sense to me that you'd have determined kids who know what they want before they can even speak full sentences. It was a compliment. Really."

"I suppose I'll choose to believe you and let it slide this time." She noticed he was done with his Lunchable and was gliding the container across the tabletop. "Do you want another one? I have a bunch in the fridge."

"Sure. Thanks."

"Ham again?"

"Oh, let's mix it up a little- turkey this time."

"Someone's feeling adventurous." She slid the container across the table. "Sorry I don't have any of the fancy ones where you can build your own pizzas or tacos or whatever they have now."

"You could at least offer your guests the ones with the Reese's or Skittles," he grumbled with a smirk, relieved at least some of the tension was disappearing. "Some host."

"If I bought those the kids would want nothing else."

"Could I have another juice, too?"

"Sure, second shelf in the fridge door."

"Mama, more red."

Angela added a dollop of ketchup to Jude's dish. He was obsessed with the condiment and most foods needed to have it or else he wouldn't eat. It made her stomach turn most days, but at least he was eating. "There you go."

"Angela?"

"Yeah?"

"Is there a trick to this? I can't get the door open."

"Oh, right, the whole house is all childproofed."

It seemed like nothing more than a flick of her wrist and she moved the lock aside so he could retrieve his drink. "Thanks."

"No problem. Just be sure to let me know when you need to go to the bathroom and I'll show you how to undo the lock on the toilet."

"You have to lock your toilet?" He didn't remember Cory whining about this part when Riley or Auggie were small.

"Kids flush stuff."

"Thanks for the heads up there. Did you want me to get you anything from here? You hardly ate."

"Not true. I had some crackers and a few of Zora's raspberries. I'll eat later. Trust me, ever since the kids I exist on their table scraps. It's mom life."

"If you say so." His eyes scanned the fridge door. It was littered with crayon scribbled pages, alphabet and number magnets, and photos. Most of the people in the pictures were unfamiliar to him, but there were a few faces he recognized. "You still keep in touch with Rachel?"

"She's one of my closest friends. When Grant died she couldn't get a flight out so she hopped in her car and drove twelve hours to get here."

"I haven't thought about her in years. What's she up to?"

"She's an occupational therapist in Albuquerque, works mainly out of nursing homes to help the elderly maintain a certain degree of independence."

"That's nice."

"After the Peace Corps she wanted to do something meaningful that helped people."

"And who are Iggy and Ozzie," he asked, reading the names at the bottom of the card.

"Iggy is her husband- Ignacio, and Ozzie is their son, Oscar. He'll be seven in November. She and Iggy met when she was still in the Peace Corps. He works with Doctors Without Borders."

"Nice. I'd pick new nicknames if it were me, but at least she's happy." Shawn never knew what ultimately broke up Jack and Rachel. Then again he never asked.

"She is."

Something else caught his eye, something familiar. In fact…yes, he had seen this exact same picture on Cory and Topanga's fridge just last weekend. And he was sure if he was home long enough to check his mail he'd find one addressed to him as well. "You have an invitation to Eric's wedding?"

"Yeah, I talk to him all the time. And he is marrying my sister-in-law, so-"

"Really?"

"Yeah, Jody has an oddball sense of humor and the same childlike zest for life that Eric does. She needs it being a preschool teacher." Her husband hadn't been too sure when Angela first suggested setting his kid sister up with Eric, but they clicked almost immediately. "They're a fun couple."

"But how did you set him up? You guys didn't talk all those years ago."

She shrugged. "Things change."

"Since when?"

"After I went with my dad and you guys moved to New York you and Eric shared an apartment."

"I know. I was there," he said in a pointed tone. "What does that have to do with you talking to Eric?"

"Who do you think was the one answering the phone after you started avoiding my calls?"

"I never – wait. You're the one who left the country and you're claiming that _I_ was avoiding _you_?" His voice rose as he spoke, but quickly lowered again when one of the dogs lifted her head, as if to warn him to watch his tone around her humans. "That's a load of bull."

"Shawn, don't speak to me like that in front of-" A loud noise caught her attention. She looked around the room and realized Zora had thrown her plate to the floor and was waving "bye-bye" to it. "Zora, no." She now held a sippy cup high above her head and was about to condemn it to the same fate as her plate. "Put the cup down. No throwing."

Shawn wasn't sure if it was her mother's harsher tone, if she was picking up on the tension in the room, or if she was just acting her age, but Zora promptly dropped her cup and burst into tears.

Angela sighed and closed her eyes for a moment. "Okay, lunch time over."

"I pick a show," Jude asked quietly.

"Yes, you can pick a show and a book." She got up and retrieved her crying child. After cuddling her close for a minute, soothing tears and gently reinforcing the no throwing policy, she knelt down on the floor so they could pick up the mess together.

Shawn couldn't believe there was ever a time when the woman before him questioned her ability to be a good mother. He knew why, but to him it seemed her fears were unwarranted. She was a natural. "Do you need any help?"

She helped the baby put her plate on the table before standing. "No, thanks. I'll take care of the mess later. Or the dogs will eat it. Whatever. You can hang around in here and finish your lunch. Or if you get bored there's a TV in the living room. The remote is on top of the entertainment center. I have to keep it out of reach of little hands, you know?"

He nodded. "Right."

"Come on, baby." She held out her free hand and helped Jude jump down from the chair.

Once they were down the hall and out of sight Shawn decided to be useful and clean up the mess in the kitchen. He felt partly responsible if it was stress that caused Zora's misbehavior. He was, after all, a stranger the kids just met on the beach who was suddenly invited to their home for lunch. Then he raised his voice at their mother. That would make adults uncomfortable let alone little kids.

After the kitchen was taken care of he decided to venture out and explore more of the house. Angela did give him permission to go into the living room after all. There was a gate separating the rooms and he stepped over it. Baby-proofing was as sophisticated as rocket science in his eyes and he figured there was no way he'd be able to open it.

Angela's house was exactly how he imagined it to be: warm, inviting, and colorful. It wasn't merely a port to crash in between trips and adventures. No, this was a place you settled. You got comfortable. You stayed. It felt like a home.

Pictures dotted the walls and table tops to proudly showcase her family. He picked one up at random and almost immediately felt like he'd been sucker-punched in the gut. Angela made a beautiful bride. He always knew she would. It was unnerving to put a face to the man who had captured the heart of the woman he loved. They radiated joy and happiness as they stood under the sword arch. Shawn couldn't help but wonder what this guy had that he lacked. What made Angela leave him behind but say 'I do,' to…Grant? Isn't that was she said his name was? What made him so special?

The fireplace drew his attention next. It was the focal point of the room. Pictures adorned the mantle, but the vibe was distinctly more somber. There was a photograph of Angela with her father on the right. Beside the picture was a flag, folded precisely in its case. It became apparent to him that what he first thought to be a fancy vase was in fact an urn. He took a few steps back and nearly tripped over the coffee table. "Sorry, sir," he found himself saying, moments later realizing how silly he sounded. He'd never been in a room with an urn before. What was the protocol for this? Reluctantly his eyes wandered to the other side of the mantle and there was a similar set up: family photos, folded flag, and an urn. He lifted a picture from its resting place for closer examination. It had to have been fairly recent. Jude looked much the same and Zora was wearing a bib that stated _Birthday Girl_.

"Grant died less than a week after that was taken," Angela stated, coming up behind Shawn. He handed the picture over without saying a word. "Zora's first birthday was on a Thursday. We had her party on Saturday. Grant reported for duty on Monday and Wednesday afternoon there was a knock at my door." She took a deep breath and willed herself not to cry. "No matter how prepared you think you are- it is par the course for military families and the fear is always lurking in the back of your mind- you're never ready for that knock at the door." She returned the family photo to its rightful place, lining it up just so. "I can't believe this was two months ago. It seems like yesterday and a million years ago all at once."

"You guys seemed happy."

She smiled sadly and nodded. "We had our ups and downs like anyone else, but, yes, we were. Very happy. We had a good life."

"Angela, I'm-"

"We need to talk about what happened in the kitchen."

He was thrown by the subject change, but went along with it. "I shouldn't have yelled at you in front of your kids."

"It wasn't quite yelling, but no, you won't speak to me like that; not in my home and especially not in front of my children. Are we clear?"

"You're right. I'm sorry."

"Okay." There was a silence neither of them was sure how to fill. "I'm sorry about your divorce." It wasn't what Angela expected to say, but she wasn't ready to talk about Grant with him. Not yet. Maybe not ever. "That's got to be rough."

"How did you-"

"Eric's a blabbermouth."

"Yeah, well…."

"How are you holding up?"

"I've been better. Don't get me wrong, I've been a hell of a lot worse, too, but divorce sucks. I don't recommend it."

"I heard about Maya wanting to reverse the adoption and change her name back, too."

He nodded. That was the worst part for Shawn. The divorce didn't bother him nearly as much as what it represented: his broken his promise to always be there. "She pretty much hates my guts."

"If it's any consolation I think most teenagers hate their parents' guts at some point."

"It's not."

"Wanna talk about it?"

He didn't. Not really. Yet he found himself answering anyway. "It was a mistake, the whole thing…just…it was a mistake."

"Why? Didn't you love her?"

"I think I loved more what she and Maya represented. I was so tired of being alone. No matter how many times I convinced myself I was fine I wasn't. I wanted someone to share my life with. I wanted what Cory and Topanga had. I wanted a family."

"And Katy and Maya were a ready-made family," she concluded.

Shawn nodded and leaned back in the chair. "Before I met Maya, Cory would tell me all about Riley's best friend and how she reminded him so much of me. He said she was the Shawn to Riley's Cory. I didn't pay attention to him but then I met her. Dad ran off, mom was sort of flaky and not really around much. It just reminded me so much of me. I couldn't fix things for myself as a kid, but I thought I could find a way to make things better for someone else, so they wouldn't be just another person with a messed up family background."

"So you met Katy through Maya?"

"Her and also Cory, Topanga, and Riley's constant interfering. The three of them would go on and on about how good we would be together. Cory even...he set it up so I would find Katy's purse and they thought I would magically fall in love with her because of it."

She furrowed her brow. "So he just stole the way you fell for me and tried to recreate it?"

"Yeah, but it didn't work. You can't replicate magic," he spoke softly and looked right at her.

"Then why date her? Why propose and get married?"

"After I got to know Katy I genuinely liked her. She's a fun person and I enjoyed spending time with her. And we had some things in common. She was abandoned by her husband and I-"

"If you're even going to say what I think you are- don't."

"I have had people walk out of my life, too. That was something we had in common. We were the ones left behind, the ones who stayed."

"Shawn-"

"I'm just telling you what happened. You wanted to know how we got together. That was the start, or it was baby steps towards it."

"Fine. So how did you go from baby steps to saying I do?"

"I had Cory and Topanga whispering in my ear and telling me how perfect we were for each other. Riley and Maya were really excited about the idea of us together and hell, even you told me to end up with her!"

"When did I do that?"

"You asked me if she was the one. Then you said to go get her."

"That wasn't me telling you to be with Katy. I wanted you to move on with your life and to be happy. If it was with Katy, great, if it wasn't, fine. Go out and find that person. I wasn't going to tell you to be in a relationship with someone I didn't know." She took a deep breath. "Okay, so in your mind everyone had already ordained you and Katy a couple?"

He nodded. "And after I saw you in the cafe and you told me you were married and you talked about having kids with your husband I never felt so alone in my life." He cracked his knuckles and stared at his shoes. It was times like this that made him wish he still smoked. "I always dreamed I would see you again, that you'd show up out of nowhere just the way you did and that you'd tell me you wanted to be with me. That you wanted us to have our own happily ever after, just like Cory and Topanga. I didn't realize how much I had been counting on that day to come until I saw you again."

"Shawn, I-"

"It's okay. Oh, my dad," he exclaimed.

"Huh? What about Chet?"

"He told me to get together with Katy, too, and to be a family with her and Maya."

"How is that possible?"

"You remember you asked me if I still saw him sometimes? I said I hadn't lately but then he showed up after you left."

"Oo-kay."

"Katy asked me on a date and it was all kinds of weird because Maya was standing right there and so were Cory and Riley. There was all this pressure. I froze. That's when Chet showed up."

"What did he say?"

"I don't remember exactly, but basically that Maya and Katy were everything I always wanted standing right there. They needed a family. I needed a family. We should be a family. Don't get me wrong, we had fun, but I work a lot. In the year we were dating we saw each other once, maybe twice a month. And at least half of the time Maya was with us. I enjoyed her company, but I never had that grand feeling of love."

"Then why propose?" He was silent and no longer looking her in the eye. "Shawn?"

"Jude."

"What does Jude have to do with you and Katy?"

"I don't want to say."

"Tough."

"You see," he began with a shaky breath, "even after I knew you were married there was a tiny part of me that hoped it didn't work out, that the fates would line up to put us together again despite everything."

She twisted her engagement and wedding rings around her finger. "Oh."

"I know it's terrible, but it's how I felt. Then I saw Jude's birth announcement."

"I don't understand."

"You had a family and as much as I wanted to be with you I couldn't hope for it anymore. In order for my wish to come true an innocent baby's family would have to fall apart. And I couldn't wish for that. I had to let go." Shawn ran his hands across his face. "I went out and bought an engagement ring the next morning. If I couldn't be with you I had an instant family just waiting for me. All I had to do was throw myself into it with reckless abandon. Cory said I'd always been a reckless person and that proposing to Katy was the right, reckless thing to do."

She frowned. "You and Cory do realize that reckless is a bad thing, right? Spontaneous is good, carefree even is acceptable. But reckless? That's bad."

"Well then I was very reckless in proposing. At least I came to my senses and ended it before more people got caught up in my bad choices."

"Huh?"

"Have you ever had a moment where you looked around and wondered how the hell you got here? How did this become your life?"

"I don't know."

"We were having dinner with Cory and Topanga and Katy, out of the blue, says we should have a baby."

"In front of Cory and Topanga?"

"Yep, and you know how they are. They cheered and got excited and immediately started planning. We're talking names, schools, birthday parties, you name it. They even said maybe they'd have another baby so our kids could grow up together." He ran a hand through his hair. "One minute I was saying, 'pass the butter,' and the next I'm listening to Cory sharing tips he heard for how to conceive a boy!"

"Why a boy?"

"Because this way our families would match."

"Wow. How did you handle it?"

"I got up and left."

"That's it?"

"I didn't know what else to do. All of a sudden my life felt beyond my control."

"Then what happened?"

"Katy chased me down and we talked. She eventually admitted that she didn't want to have another baby. But she could tell my heart wasn't in the marriage anymore and we were drifting apart. She thought a kid would fix it, kind of how Maya brought us together."

"That's messed up."

"I know."

Angela rested her chin in her hand. "It sounds like you were so focused on what everyone else thought you should do that you stopped thinking for yourself."

"Probably. There's no other way to explain how I let Cory and Topanga talk me into believing that I never really loved you at all."

"Excuse me?"

Crap, maybe he shouldn't have said that part out loud. "Forget it."

"No, I'd like to hear what exactly Cory and Topanga thought about me."

Her posture was perfect, her arms were crossed, and her glare could burn a hole right through him. He remembered this from when they were together and warning bells were going off in his head. "Angela, really, it's nothing. They were rooting for me and Katy to work out and said whatever they could to make it happen."

"Tell me."

"Fine, they said they had never seen me as happy as when I was with Katy and that maybe this time it was the real thing. I've always wanted what Cory and Topanga had so maybe being with you was just my attempt to keep up with them."

Angela got up and walked over to the window. "You put me through so much hell back then. You loved me, you wanted to break up, but wait you wanted a second chance, then oops, you're too scared and can't commit."

"I know."

"It was bad enough to go through that believing you loved me, but now you're telling me you dragged me along and played with my heart for nothing?" She shook her head. "We should've just ended after the initial two weeks."

"No, Angela, no. That's the point. They were wrong. I do…did…do love you. But I couldn't be with you so I was just trying to find a way to handle that and move on with my life."

"And the only way to do that was for you three to attempt to erase me from your lives and insert some random blonde in my place?" She walked back over to the couch. "You see, Shawn, no matter how much you hurt me or what happened between us I never diminished you or what our relationship meant to me. Sure, we didn't last but that time was an important part of my life. You were my first love. I learned a lot from what we had."

"So did I, but you have to understand something: from the day I knew it was your stuff in the purse it was you I wanted to be with. It was always you." She said nothing. "I'm sorry. Look, don't take this out on Cory and Topanga. They were just trying to help me. I chose to believe them because I thought they could do a better job scripting my life than I had done. They've still been your friends for twenty years."

"No, they haven't. It's more like we were good friends for a while twenty years ago. At least I thought we had been. I'm not so sure anymore." She had expected things to change with Cory after her relationship with Shawn ended, but losing Topanga's friendship really hurt. "Trust me, I learned a long time ago who my real friends were and who I could count on. Cory and Topanga aren't even in my top 100."

"Then why were you at Topanga's café? Why come visit them?"

"I wasn't there to see them. I came to see you."

"Why?"

"Eric called me talking about how Cory was whining to him about trying to fix you up but you were resisting because you were still hung up on us. I was sent there to break the spell, so to speak. I wanted you to be happy."

"Then you should've stayed," he whispered. "Why didn't you stay?"


	3. Chapter 3

_"Then you should've stayed," he whispered. "Why didn't you stay?"_

"You're not seriously asking me that, are you? You know why. I had a once in a lifetime opportunity to spend time with my dad. I took it."

"Leaving me in the dust," he remarked.

"You know damn well that's a lie. Choosing to go with my dad was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make. I wanted to spend time with him, but it meant leaving behind my entire life for a year. You were there as I agonized over it." Angela shook her head, almost disgusted with him. "If, after all this time you still can't see how important it was for me and why- and you of all people should get why it was important-maybe it's best we ended when we did because you clearly never knew me at all."

"But you still made the choice to go. You chose to walk away from our life."

"Yes, I did, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat." Perhaps she could phrase things in a gentler manner, but she was over being blamed for the sorry state of Shawn's life. "I had been waiting my whole life to spend that time with him and when the chance came I grabbed it." 

Very few things hurt more than hearing her say those words. "What?"

"My dad's dead, Shawn."

"I know that."

"There were days he was busy with work and I had my online classes, but he made it a point to spend a lot of time with me, as if he was trying to make up for all the lost moments of my childhood. It was the closest we'd been since I was a kid. And after that year came to an end we stayed close. I was afraid things would change after he got married again, but we were still-"

"You dad remarried?"

Angela got up and retrieved a picture that hung on the wall. "He had a two week vacation and we decided to do a little traveling for fun, go someplace we had never been before." She handed the photo to Shawn. "We were eating lunch at an outdoor café in Lisbon and someone called out his name. It turns out a friend from his hometown was there vacationing at the same time."

Shawn smiled at image. Sgt. Moore was in a nice suit and had his arm around a blonde in a pink cocktail dress. Angela was standing beside her father in a darker shade of pink and next to the woman were two guys who seemed roughly the same age as he and Angela, maybe a little older. They all wore identical grins. "Was she an old girlfriend?"

"They were friends, but only dated for a couple months in their senior year. They were rebellious and part of the appeal for them was the reactions they'd get from people who would see them together. Interracial dating wasn't something that was accepted when they were kids."

He nodded. "Right." He didn't remember anyone giving him and Angela a hard time when they were together. At least no one ever said anything to his face. He suspected they just got lucky.

"They decided dating partially for shock value was misguided and the smart thing to do would be to go back to being friends before anyone got hurt. He was leaving for boot camp after graduation and Nancy was going out of state for college. They parted on good terms but didn't see each other again until Lisbon."

"Wow." He shook his head, unable to stop staring at the smiling faces. "Your dad randomly ran into his high school sweetheart in a foreign country and wound up with her after all those years apart?" That was inspiring.

"I wouldn't call them sweethearts, but-"

"Who are these guys," he asked, pointing at the picture.

"Those are my step-brothers, Doug and Jason."

"You have step-brothers?"

"We're not Brady Bunch close because we met as adults and already had our own lives, but they're good guys. If I ever need them they don't hesitate to help me, same with Nancy. She's been amazing actually. Her first husband died suddenly after about ten years of marriage. She had to raise her kids alone. After all that we lost my dad. She's the only one who even comes close to understanding what I'm going through right now." Angela cleared her throat before taking the picture back. "Would you believe that Nancy's moving out here in the next few weeks to be closer to me and 'her grandbabies'? I mean, she checked with me first and insisted on living a few miles away so as not to be intrusive. But she's retired now and was feeling isolated. She chose me over living near one of her sons and their families."

"Really?" Shawn was glad that Angela had the maternal figure she always craved. It seemed she had a solid extended family to fall back on and support her. "That's great."

"It can't replace my dad and I'd give anything to have him back or just for him to hug me once and tell me that everything is going to be okay- that _I'm_ going to be okay, but…" She trailed off before taking a steadying breath.

"You know I…uh…I was going to try to talk you out of going. The day you were packing up your dorm I came to see you but you stepped out to get more boxes. I talked to your dad before you came back."

"I know. He told me."

"How much did he tell you?"

"He said you threatened to propose to get me to stay. He told me all this when I was trying to decide what to do about us."

"What would you have said," he asked after some uncomfortable silence. He'd always wondered what her answer would've been.

"Shawn, we weren't ready to get married. But if somehow you'd been dumb enough to try to talk me into staying and I had been stupid enough to listen to you I can say with relative certainty that I would've resented you for the rest of our lives."

"Why?"

"My dad's not here anymore. That time we had, I knew it was special then but now it means everything to me. It's sacred. If I didn't go with him it would forever be a giant what if and lost opportunity. Instead I have memories to comfort me and remind myself what a great man he was and how much he loved me.

"He didn't get to walk me down the aisle when I got married. He never got the chance to know his grandchildren. And he would've been a wonderful grandpa." Her eyes shined with unshed tears, but she was determined to continue on without losing it. She'd been crying too much lately. "I'm sorry if you feel like I deserted you and I never intended to hurt you, but I'm not sorry for going. You can offer me that same choice a million different times and in a million different ways and I'd pick my dad every time."

Shawn understood what she was saying. Not having time with his dad is something he regrets, even if he wasn't technically the responsible party. He understood, but that didn't mean it was easy to hear. Angela would've left him no matter what. Nothing he said or did would've stopped her. That hurt. "I just wish-" He stopped talking when he looked at her. She had paled considerably an odd look on her face. He wasn't sure if she was going to cry, throw up, make a grand confession…something. She did not look good. "Angela?"

"I'll be right back."

He was confused, watching as she hurried out of the room. Did he say something wrong? Did talking about her dad upset her? Maybe she just had to cry. She hated crying in front of other people, him included. When she returned a few minutes later she seemed better, if still a little rattled. She also had a bottle of water in her hand. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I thought I heard one of the kids." She sat back down on the couch. "Where were we?"

Shawn wasn't sure he believed her, but had no good reason to challenge it. "You were talking about your dad and what a great guy he was."

"Right."

He shifted around in the chair. "I get why you felt you had to leave with him, but why did you give up on us? Why didn't you try harder?"

She couldn't help the incredulous look that showed on her face. How dare he accuse her of giving up. "I called, emailed, and wrote letters. I don't know how I could've tried any harder."

I did all that, too."

"At first maybe, then you stopped. I thought you met someone else even though Eric and Topanga insisted you hadn't."

"There was no one else."

"Perhaps, but I felt like you were freezing me out and I just couldn't bear it. I couldn't stand to hear that I wasn't enough for you again. That-that you needed more than me, something different…or better."

"What are you talking about?"

"Freshman orientation ring any bells? You referred to me as a friend to another girl. When I called you on it you said it was a time to spread our wings and explore our horizons, not be tied down to one person. You said you needed to have new experiences and try different things."

"And you thought me moving to New York would-"

"There's a lot of room to spread your wings in New York, lots of new people, too. It was taking you more and more time to return my calls and emails. You used to get back to me within a day. Eventually it became a week, two weeks."

"That's because it was hard to talk to you. I missed you too much."

"How was I supposed to know that? You stopped picking up the phone. So I figured I'd be the one. I'd be the one brave enough to end things instead of clinging to a relationship that was no longer working. I knew I'd be blamed for it anyway, so I may as well do something this time. At least it would be on my terms. God knows you wouldn't have done it. If I had left it up to you I'd probably still be waiting by the phone."

"Why do you think that?"

"Because you have this insane need to always be the victim. You're terrified of owning up to your actions."

"No. Why would I want to be a victim?"

"If you're the victim no one will ever blame you for your life being a mess and actually expect you to put in the work of fixing things."

"That's not-"

"When discussing your divorce you admitted the marriage was a mistake, but you also blamed everyone else under the sun for it. The only people responsible for your marriage and divorce are you and Katy. Still, you blamed me, Cory, Topanga, Maya, Riley…hell you even blamed the ghost of your dead father, and my newborn son. Don't do that last one again, by the way," she warned with a finger pointed at him. "My kids are off limits."

"I wasn't blaming all of you."

"Come on, you did the same thing when we were together. Any issue between eventually us dissolved into being my fault. Even the breakups you initiated. You and Cory practically gaslit me with revisionist history to the point even I was confused about who was right and who was wrong. I was always the one apologizing and you were forever poor, misunderstood, sainted Shawn."

He thought back over the history of their relationship he realized she was right. How many times had she apologized to him for breakups and arguments he started? "It couldn't be my fault," he said in a hushed tone. "I couldn't blame myself."

"Why not?"

"Because if I…if it's all my fault then I would have to admit that I ruined the best thing in my life." He paused and blinked back the tears that suddenly clouded his vision. "How was I supposed to live with myself knowing I destroyed us? I still had to look myself in the mirror every day."

"Shawn-"

"And then," he broke in, more composed than before, "you called me to say you weren't ready to come home and that it was best if we broke up. Reject me before I could reject you." _'Again,'_ he added silently.

She nodded. "Self-preservation at its best. Or worst. I never could decide which it was."

"Why didn't you just tell me that you-"

"Shawn, I have never once begged someone to love me and I wasn't about to start. I did my part. I called and emailed and kept the lines of communication open. If you really loved me and wanted to make it work you would've picked up the damn phone more often. You wouldn't have waited two weeks to return an email. You knew where I was staying. You could've written a letter or sent up the freaking bat signal. But you didn't. There was only so much silence I could take before I had enough." She shook her head. "I think deep down, I knew it was over for you when I went with my dad. I was just in denial."

"What do you mean?"

"I said I love you and you said goodbye."

"What?"

"We agreed not to say goodbye because it wasn't goodbye...at least I didn't intend for it to be. So we said I love you. After I walked out the door I turned around to take one more look at you and I could read your lips." She stared right at him, almost daring him to challenge her. "I said I love you. You said goodbye. You were the one, Shawn. You gave up. Not me. You didn't even have enough faith in us to last until I made it to the cab. I may have been the one to officially end things, but you mentally checked out long before that."

He wanted to refute her, to say she was hallucinating and offer up endless proof of his love, but he couldn't. "I was convinced you'd be dazzled by Europe and wonder what you ever saw in me and I-"

"-you gave me the reason to not want to come home to you on a silver platter."

Shawn felt like throwing up. Angela hadn't stopped loving him back then. It wasn't that she 'hadn't been ready.' She was just afraid of being hurt again, of being hurt by him again. She was too scared to fight for someone who wouldn't want her back. Their relationship was undone by fear, assumptions, and words that went unsaid. How typical of them. It always felt wrong that after everything they went through they just sort of fizzled out. They'd always been too passionate to fizzle and die without a fight. "I'm sorry."

"So am I."

"I guess the thing that bothers me the most is if I had the chance to go back and change things I'd change everything. I would've done everything in my power to make sure we wound up together. But you…"

"What about me?"

"I don't think you'd change a damn thing. I have so many regrets about practically every relationship in my life- especially ours', but I don't think you do."

"That's not true. I have regrets like anybody else, but the difference between us is I don't obsess over them. I take it as a lesson learned and try not to make the same mistakes in the future. Like our relationship for instance-"

"What about us?"

"You were the first guy I ever loved, Shawn. That never goes away. You're always going to be special to me, but we didn't necessarily go about loving each other the best way. It wasn't a very healthy relationship a lot of the time. You didn't always treat me very well. I didn't realize it until later, after some time and distance. I'm not saying it's anyone's fault. We were two kids dealing with abandonment issues just trying to keep our heads above water. We didn't know how to be in love. Neither of us had good examples to follow."

"You're wrong."

"We were together- on and off- for what…two and a half years? Three years?"

"Yeah, so?"

"How much of that time were we together and happy, truly happy, without some drama or crisis going on?"

Shawn tended to fixate on only the good times with Angela. It hurt too much to focus on the bad. He was usually the cause of the bad. That's where regrets came into play and he hated thinking about those. "I don't know. The last months before you left were the best months of my life. The beginning of our relationship was good, too."

"That's what, eight months? A year if I'm being generous."

"I never did the math."

"Look," she began in a gentler tone, "I'm not here to do tally up the score on who hurt whom the worst."

"Are you sure about that," he snapped.

"We both made mistakes and could've treated each other better. But I learned my lessons and moved on. I don't think you have."

"You were the best thing that ever happened to me. It's kind of hard to get over you walking away. I stayed and you left. I always stayed."

She sat back and folded her arms in front of her body. "I think that's some more of that revisionist history coming into play."

"What?"

"Let's forget the times you walked away from me for a minute. You ran out on Cory on his wedding day. Sure, you came back, but you still ran away."

"I was afraid things would change between us."

"Then you fled town the day he became a father."

"How did you know about that?"

"Eric's a blabbermouth, remember?"

"Right."

"Abandoning your best friend on the two biggest days of his life doesn't sound like the actions of someone who stays."

"I didn't-"

"Oh, and the boathouse," she exclaimed.

"What?"

"I can't believe I remember this, but our first Valentine's Day three ex-girlfriends kidnapped you."

"Oh, yeah, I forgot all about that."

"They thought they were protecting me from you. They said you'd made plans with all of them for Valentine's but couldn't commit long enough to keep your word. You cut and run when things started getting heavy and they didn't understand why. They were trying to save me from being hurt the same way they were."

_'Oh, god,'_ he thought to himself, _'he was a leaver. Katy and Maya were just his latest victims.'_ "I was just a kid. I didn't know how relationships worked. Being in a real relationship scared me. That changed when I met you," he admitted quietly. "I was still scared, but it was the first time I wanted it to work."

"I feel the same way."

"Then why couldn't we work? If we were so important to each other shouldn't it have been meant to be?"

"Maybe we were meant to be. We were meant to come into each other's live in a specific time and place. We taught each other important lessons about life and love that we never would've learned from someone else. Meant to be isn't always forever. Sometimes it's just meant to be for now. And when the time is over you take what you learned and grow from it."

"Where did you get that crap?"

"It's how my dad described things with my mother. He never said what he thought she learned from their relationship, but he would go on about what a gift I was to him and how proud he was to be my father. As much as he hated my mother for leaving, a part of him would love her forever because of me."

Shawn leaned his head back against the chair and covered his eyes. He didn't know how to process anything. It was like every mistake he ever made was being thrown in his face. "My parents…Chet and Virna…they messed me up. I can't…because of them I can't…"

"You're creeping up on forty years old, Shawn. Don't you think it's time you stopped blaming your parents and took charge of your own life?"

"Oh, like you're so successful at it?! When you saw me in New York you asked me if I thought you should have kids or if you'd be like your mother. That doesn't sound like someone who took charge of their life."

"I had a little relapse. Sue me."

"By the way, do you know how weird it is to ask an ex-boyfriend if you should have kids with your husband? It was even weirder considering our history. Why would you do that?"

"I knew you'd be honest with me. Grant would go on about how good a mother I would be and how he loved to see me with our nieces and nephews. I was afraid he was just saying that because he was my husband. Being supportive comes with the territory, you know? I wanted to have a baby with him, too. I wanted it more than anything, but I was so afraid. No matter what else happened between us I knew if you really thought I'd bail on the kid you would tell me. We both know what it's like to have our mother leave and we would never want a child to feel that same pain."

He thought about Maya and all of his broken promises to her. "Yeah, but it's still hurt. Don't get me wrong, I was happy that you were happy and had a good life, but it was supposed to be with me. Asking about kids with your husband…you had to know it would kill me to hear that."

"To be honest I didn't think much about how you would take it."

"Wow, thanks. That's cold."

"I'm sorry, but it's the truth. I was preoccupied with my own issues."

"What issues?"

Angela debated momentarily whether or not to share this, but realized she'd been honest about everything else thus far, no matter how painful. "I had a miscarriage."

"You did?"

"It happened about six months before I came to see you. The pregnancy was a surprise and when the test came back positive I was scared to death. I put on a happy face for Grant because he was so thrilled, but I was terrified. Don't get me wrong, he knew my fears and tried to talk me through it, but he didn't understand. He came from one of those stereotypical happy families with a mom and a dad and brothers and sisters." She picked up a pillow from the couch and hugged it to herself. "I had this nagging feeling that something was going to go wrong but I just chalked it up to my fears of becoming my mother."

"What happened?"

"We went for our first ultrasound to confirm the due date and the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat."

"God, Angela, I'm so sorry."

"Grant was amazing. He was upset, of course, but he was mostly focused on making sure I was okay."

"This is probably a dumb question, but were you okay?"

"I was sad…for me and especially for Grant because he wanted it so badly. But mostly I was relieved." She wiped away a rogue tear. "And that made me feel awful. What kind of person would be relieved? I was such a terrible mother I couldn't even grieve properly for my own baby." She smoothed out non-existent wrinkles in the pillow she was holding. "The doctor said we could try again when we were ready. After a few months passed Grant asked me if we could talk about trying again."

"And that's when you came to New York," he concluded.

"No, that's when the nightmares started."

"What nightmares?"

"The baby I lost would come to me in the form of an older child. Usually it was a girl, but occasionally a boy. But the kid would tell me they knew I wasn't going to be a good mother. They knew I was bad." Angela shoved her hair behind her ears and stared at Shawn. "They left me before I could leave them."

"You can't blame yourself. Dreams and emotions aren't rational."

"I know that, but it didn't make me feel any better. Anyway, not long after the dreams started Eric called to vent about Cory whining to him about wanting to set you up with Katy."

Shawn nodded. "So you came to New York to tell me to move on and asked if I thought you would be a good mother."

"I figured two birds and one stone…you know?"

"I'm sorry you and your husband had to go through that." He wanted to tell her about Cory and Topanga, about how the large age gap between Riley and Auggie wasn't entirely planned. They'd experienced their own losses in between. He didn't want her to feel alone, but ultimately didn't say anything. It wasn't his place to share such personal information even about his best friends. Angela chose to share her struggles with him. "Did you ever tell him about your visit to New York?"

"Oh, Grant knew everything. We didn't keep any secrets from each other."

"Good…that's good. Secrets are bad. How did he react?"

"He was hurt."

"Why?"

"He thought if I should talk to anyone about my fears of having a baby it should be him." She closed her eyes and could still see the look on his face, hear the anguish in his voice. _"Angie, we're supposed to be a team. If you can't talk to me about something as important as having kids then what are we doing here?"_

"He called you Angie?"

"What? Did I say that out loud?"

"Yeah. Grant called you Angie?"

"Yes. Why?"

"You hate being called Angie."

She shrugged. "I didn't hate it from him."

Shawn wasn't quite sure how to handle that. She wasn't even his Angela anymore. She was Grant's Angie.

"We had a long talk," she continued. "We dragged out our deepest, darkest insecurities and laid them bare. There was no stone left unturned. It didn't matter how painful or difficult it was to discuss, we did it. And we came out so much stronger in the end."

He was torn between being happy for her that she got through a rough patch with her husband and disturbed that he indirectly played a role in helping them. "Then what happened?"

"Jude was born the following summer."

"Right."

"I didn't think you wanted anymore details than that."

"No, definitely not. I mean-"

"That's okay, Shawn, I get it." She exhaled and sank into the couch. She glanced at her former boyfriend and noted the glazed expression on his face. "I'm glad we ran into each other today. I wasn't sure when I first saw you, but this was good. We've needed to have this conversation for years."

He supposed she was right, but there had been a few too many painful revelations for him to see it that way at the moment. "I think I'll go call the airline and see if there's an update on when I can get on a flight."

"You know you can stay here tonight if you have to."

"Excuse me?"

"I have an extra room. You just have to be willing to put up with the occasional whining and crying in the middle of the night."

"Please, I shared a dorm with Cory," he quipped. "I'm used to whining and crying."

_"Mama! Mama, up! I up now! Mama!"_

Angela sighed when she heard Jude's shouts. Naptime seemed to fly by while she was talking to Shawn. "I should go get him before his yelling wakes-" She didn't even get to finish her sentence before Zora's cries mingled with her brother's. Then the dogs began to bark. They did that when they thought the babies were crying for too long. "Jinxed myself there," she said with a laugh. "You ever been around two toddlers at once? And eating lunch with them doesn't count because they were immobilized by their love of cheese."

"I've never even been around one toddler."

"Then I hope you keep up with your cardio." She tossed her pillow at him before standing. "If not you'll be passed out by dinner because they will wear you out."

"I think I'll be okay."

"Famous last words, my friend."


	4. Chapter 4

"Again, again!"

Shawn's arms buckled and he face planted onto the carpet. He heard Angela laughing at him from where she was perched on the couch, but was too exhausted to lift his head to look at her. How did she do this every day?

"Again! Again, again!"

Didn't they know any other words? How, exactly, he had been conned into this little game he couldn't say. One minute he was feigning interest in a toy that made animal noises and the next he was on his hands and knees giving horsey rides. It wasn't so bad when they took turns and went one at a time. But then they double teamed him.

"Again!"

He looked at the kids- really looked at them. That had been his mistake. Jude had Angela's eyes and Zora her smile. He never stood a chance after that.

"Uh-oh, I think horsey is getting sleepy."

"Horsey needs to go into retirement," Shawn mumbled. "Put me out to pasture." The kids were bouncing up and down on his back, making him aware of muscles he'd long forgotten existed. They were small, barely out of the baby stage. How could they be so heavy? They may as well have been sumo wrestlers for how tired he was right now. He felt his shirt being yanked and the collar cut right across his throat. "Now you're choking horsey out. Yep," he gasped out in dramatic fashion, "it's going dark. Dad…is that you?"

"Okay, guys, let's take a break." Angela got up from the couch. She shook her head at Shawn's childish theatrics. "Shawn's really old and needs a rest. Jude, push out the ice cream cart and you and Zora can make some ice cream cones for everybody."

"'Kay, mama."

He sighed in relief when they climbed off of him. Well, Jude climbed off. Zora tumbled to the side and then used him to pull herself back up to her feet. It wouldn't have been so bad if she hadn't grabbed handfuls of his hair to accomplish this. "Ouch," he hissed.

"We don't pull hair, Zora. Tell Shawn you're sorry for pulling his hair."

She gurgled out gibberish that sounded nothing like the English language to him, but apparently Angela was able to decipher it. He looked up when she nudged him with her foot. "What?"

"Shawn, Zora just told you she was sorry. What do you say to her?"

Why was she using the same tone with him she does with the kids? When she nudged him again- not as gently this time- he clued in. This was one of those teaching moments parents talked about. "Oh…it's okay, Zora…thanks-thank you. I forgive you." The little girl smiled at him, seeming quite proud of herself, before she turned around and toddled towards her brother on unsteady legs. "How on earth was any of that mess words?"

"Watch it," she admonished, narrowing her eyes at him. "She's just a baby and she's trying. It's not always about what she tries to say. The tone and rhythm counts, too. Haven't you ever been around toddlers?"

"Like I told you earlier: not since I was one, nope."

"If you can't understand them ask me and I will try to translate."

"You understand everything? Because, I gotta be honest, Jude's easier to talk to, but even with him I'm only getting about sixty percent of what he's saying, maybe seventy percent when he speaks up. But he practically whispers everything to me so-"

"Just don't stare at them like they're from another planet. This is their home." She rolled her eyes before she walked away from him. She'd forgotten about his ability to make even the smallest things complicated. "You're the alien here, Hunter."

Shawn sat there for a moment, her words echoing in his head. Angela always had a way of cutting through the crap and hitting on the core of his insecurities. He was the alien. He felt like an alien everywhere he went. Cory and Topanga had their little family and he was the odd man out no matter how much Cory tried to carve out a space for him. He tried to make a home with Katy and Maya, but they went into that for all of the wrong reasons, so of course it was destined to fail. He was beginning to think he was never going to find his mothership…his home planet…his…

"Shawn?"

His head snapped up at the sound of Angela's voice and he saw Jude near him. He had a toy ice cream cone in his hand and was holding it out. "Is that for me?" The boy nodded.

"Mama say you like that kind with the green."

"She's right. I do like green mint ice cream." He was well aware that he was being watched him like a hawk, his every reaction being gauged under a microscope of maternal protection. "Thank you."

"Welcome you."

Shawn frowned momentarily, but reminded himself that the kid was only two and a half and still practicing how words fit together. He expected Jude to go back to his mother and sister, but he sat down beside him instead and shoved a book against his stomach. After the past few hours he had also figured out that little kids had zero concept of personal space. "You want me to read this?"

"Read book now."

He studied the cover. _Giraffes Can't Dance_. Where did they come up with the ideas for kids books? They all seemed so silly to him. "Okay." After few pages he was pretty sure he was enjoying the story more than Jude.

"Oh, Zora, thank you," Angela gushed. "Mama loves chocolate. Do I get whipped cream, too?" She held out her treat, waiting for the topping to be added, but at the last moment the baby pulled it away and hugged it to her chest, giggling like mad. "What are you doing, Zora-dorable? Are you tricking mama? Yeah? Is that funny?" She tickled her daughter's sides, making them both laugh harder. "You fooled me, you silly goose."

Shawn looked around the room and found it almost impossible not to smile. How often had he dreamed of a moment just like this? Sitting around with Angela and spending a lazy Saturday with the kids? He brought the ice cream cone up to his mouth and remembered a little too late that, much like this moment, the cone was artificial. Angela wasn't his wife and these weren't his kids. "Ouch." He glanced at Angela and couldn't tell if she looked irritated or amused. "What?"

"It's not real ice cream. You pretend to eat it."

"See goo!"

"That's right, Zora. Shawn's being the silly goose now."

/

"You're sure it's not an inconvenience?" He set his bags on the floor after bringing them in from the garage and took a step back when the dogs rushed over to investigate and sniff them.

"Shawn, I wouldn't have offered if it was. But if you'd rather sleep in your car tonight, that's on you."

He had finally gotten ahold of an actual person at the airline and wasn't going to be able to get a flight back to New York until late tomorrow afternoon. "I just don't want to be in the way."

"My life is tiny little people, big furry dogs, and cleaning up after all of them. You're just another person. I won't, however, clean up after you. I remember you were never very neat. I hope that's changed."

He couldn't tell if she was joking or not. "Well…I uh…if I make a mess I promise I'll clean it up."

"Yeah, you will. Come on, guys, let's show Shawn our adventure room. He's going to sleep there tonight."

"Adventure room? What's an adventure room?" He chuckled when Jude went over to the bag and pulled on the handle in an attempt to lift it. "I think it's too heavy, pal."

"Jude carry bag."

"It's okay. I can handle it."

"Jude do it."

"No, really, I-"

"Just take a shirt out of the bag and let him carry it," Angela whispered. "Or have him hold one handle while you hold the other. He wants to help and feel useful. Let him."

Shawn dug through his bag and looked for something clean to give the kid. He'd planned to do his laundry when he got home. He found a folded blue shirt at the bottom. "You can carry this. It would help me a lot." Of course the moment Jude had the shirt Zora wanted something from his bag, too. Shawn searched around, but everything else had been worn. "Here, you can carry my wallet." He was surprised when she plopped down and rifled through the various compartments. She zeroed in on his credit cards immediately. "Hey, you little thief!"

"She may be young but she's not stupid," Angela said through her laughter. "Now you can see why there are locks on my toilets."

"So she's the one who finds stuff and flushes it?"

"She's the main culprit, yeah. Okay, let's show Shawn where the adventure room is. Jude, you walk in front and be the leader."

"Okay, mama."

She scooped Zora up from the floor and held her close. It was best to keep Shawn's wallet and credit cards within eyesight at all times. There was no telling where they could end up otherwise.

"So what's this adventure room," Shawn asked as he trailed behind them down the hall.

"It's the guest bedroom decorated with pictures of some amazing places we've traveled to over the years. You know I grew up an army brat and then my job took me all over the world. And Grant is a Marine… _was_ a Marine…for twenty years." It was still so hard to think of her husband, one of the most dynamic and passionate people she had ever met, in the past tense. "So as you can imagine he saw a lot of the world as well. And we enjoyed traveling together, too, just for fun when we could. We loved to take pictures of the places we visited and didn't want to keep them in an album or a file on a computer where no one would ever see them. We actually based most decorating decisions around that. The pictures set the tone for the room." She shrugged. "I don't know…maybe it's lame."

"No, I think it's pretty creative." He looked at the pictures that dotted the hallway. The vibe was decidedly peaceful and relaxed. "The lighthouses are nice. Are those waterfalls? Where did you take these?"

"The first time Grant took me home to meet his family in Marquette he knew it would be stressful for me because I never had to do the family thing before. He arranged a few days where it was just us and we traveled around and he showed me waterfalls, lighthouses, secluded little beaches, hiking trails-all kinds of stuff I didn't know Michigan had. It's beautiful there. We're going up in a few weeks for Jude's birthday."

"I be almost three," the boy stated proudly. "I big."

Angela ran her hand across her son's head. "Yeah, you're getting to be a big boy. Okay, here we are."

Shawn followed them into the room and was immediately drawn to one wall in particular. "Wow. Where were these taken?"

"The ice caves in Iceland. We went there on our honeymoon," Angela explained. "We tried lying on the beach and having drinks with tiny umbrellas, but that only lasted for a few days before we decided we needed to do something else. We weren't lie on the beach and do nothing people, you know?"

He nodded, but he and Katy went to the beach on their honeymoon. It was her first time on a plane, her first time anywhere away from home really and he'd wanted to make it special for her. They even extended their trip they were enjoying it so much. They knew Cory and Topanga had things covered with Maya and it's not as if Topanga was going to fire Katy if she didn't come back from their honeymoon when they were supposed to. There were no consequences for shirking their responsibilities and shoving them off onto Cory and Topanga to cover. In hindsight it was clear they were nervous to go back home and have to integrate all of the pieces of their lives together so they delayed it as long as they could. It was much more fun playing husband and wife on a tropical island on your honeymoon than it was to do it in real life. Shawn knew that should have been a warning sign that the foundation they were trying to build was already on shaky ground. But he had been too blinded by the holes he thought Katy and Maya were filling in his life to see it.

"It's hands down the most peaceful place I've ever been to," Angela said, continuing to talk about the ice caves. "You're just so far removed from everything it doesn't even feel like you're on earth anymore."

He took a few steps closer to take a better look at one of the images. It was Angela and her husband, arms linked, looking at their surroundings with wonder. The night sky was vibrant around them in shades of greens and purples. "What is this?"

"We stepped out of the caves and that was what we saw, Aurora Borealis."

"Oh, yeah, that's supposed to be amazing."

"I'd heard about it and seen pictures, but nothing compares to seeing it in person. It's hypnotizing. Our guide caught the candid shot. We didn't have time to pose or prepare."

"Those are always the best shots."

"I agree, but it's nice to have the approval of a professional," she joked. "Come on, guys, let's give Shawn some privacy for a little while before dinner."

He glanced at the clock and saw it was only five. It felt so much later. The kids had kept him running ragged since they woke up from their naps. They treated him like a new toy instead of mom's friend.

"…and then you're going to take a bath. After that Zora is going to get her bedtime stories before she goes to sleep and then Jude gets his snack, stories, and goes to sleep." Angela found the kids handled the nightly routine better if she went over it and they knew what was coming.

"Then mama get stories and snack?"

She smiled at her son. He was such a little caretaker. "Yes, I will eat a snack and read a book before I go to bed, too."

"I pick you book."

"Okay. Now give Shawn his shirt back, please."

"Here go."

"Thank you, Jude."

"Zora, give Shawn his wallet, please."

"Mine!"

"It belongs to Shawn. He shared with you but now it's time to give it back."

"No!" She clutched it tighter to her chest. "Mine!"

"Zora Hattie, give it back. That is not yours'."

Was it appropriate to middle name a baby? Did it work? "It's okay, she can play with it for a few more-" He shut up when Angela shook her head.

"No, she won't learn if you give in. Zora, now."

"Thank you," he said, almost reluctant to take his wallet from the teary-eyed girl. She hadn't quite reached the tantrum stage, but she wasn't happy to be giving back her new favorite thing. He wasn't good with tears, no matter the age of the person crying. He would've rather bought a new wallet.

"Just come out whenever you're hungry. If you need a break from them Zora should be asleep by 7:30 and Jude goes down at 8:00."

"I don't know about three hours, but I might close my eyes for twenty minutes or so. It's been a long day, even before I ran into you."

"Um…thanks?"

"I didn't mean it like that, I just…sorry. I'm tired."

"That's okay. Just follow the sounds of chaos back to the kitchen when you're ready to eat."

He nodded. "Right. And thanks again for the room. You didn't have to-"

"Shawn, stop. We're still friends…sort of…and this is what friends do- they help each other out."

"I still appreciate it." He'd worry later about what she meant by her sort of friends comment.

Once he was alone Shawn sat at the foot of the bed. It felt very weird to be here, in Angela's home, as a guest. It was especially surreal surrounded by mementos of her life since they parted, and from what he could see it had been a life well lived. He felt like he skated through most days merely existing. While he was glad to see she's happy and successful- he always knew she would be- it hurt to know that it all happened for her without him.

"You need a nap," he muttered to himself, trying to shake off the negative thoughts, "a long nap." He kicked off his shoes and lay back against the pillows, praying for a dreamless sleep.

/

An annoying ringing invaded his subconscious and Shawn opened one eye and saw his cell phone lit up on the nightstand. Cory was calling. He checked the time and noted he'd slept for nearly an hour. It wasn't quite the long nap he was hoping for but it was better than nothing. "What, Cor?"

"Shawn?"

"Who else is going to be answering my phone?"

"You sound weird."

"I was sleeping."

"Sorry, I was just calling to see when you're getting home."

"Tomorrow afternoon," he answered, rubbing his eyes to shake off the residual fog from his nap. "I think I take off around four. Why?"

"Oh, that's probably too late for Sunday. Maybe Monday," Cory mumbled to himself before speaking up. "I was just thinking that you could come over for dinner and we can sit Maya and Riley down and explain to them again that even though you and Katy got a divorce-"

"No."

"But Shawn-"

"No, you can't do it like this. If Maya ever comes around and forgives me it's got to be on her terms. You can't force this stuff. She's hurt and pissed. Trying now will be pointless."

"Fine, but you're still coming over for dinner next week. Just because Riley and Maya are upset with you doesn't mean you can't come around. I'm not losing my best friend again, not over this."

_Again._ It was a small word but said so much. Shawn wondered what it said about him that Cory was afraid of it happening again. It just hammered home his biggest fear: he was a leaver, not a stayer. "We'll figure something out."

"Did you find a hotel room? I can't even imagine how much that cost."

"Actually it's free." Maybe that wasn't completely true. This trip was taking a lot out of him emotionally. He'd tally up the final cost when he got home.

"Really? Where are you staying that's free? And please don't say you're sleeping in your car again. Shawnie, that's not safe."

"I ran into Angela on the beach and she offered me her guest room for the night. She's nice enough not to charge me." Silence was on the other end of the phone. It went on so long he thought they got disconnected. "You still there?"

"You…you ran into Angela?"

"And her kids, yeah."

"I forgot she lives in San Diego now. Look, Shawn-"

"Why didn't you and Topanga tell me about her husband? Do you have any idea how dumb I looked when I asked about him and then she had to tell me herself?"

"Shawn-"

"No, she cried, Cory! I hurt her and she cried. Why didn't you tell me?"

"We weren't sure how you'd take it. You and Katy were still wrapping up the divorce, Maya wanted to walk back the adoption, and we…I didn't want to upset you."

"Upset me?! Angela's husband is dead but you're worried about me?"

"You're my best friend, Shawnie. Who else was I supposed to worry about?"

"Angela and her kids would've been a nice start."

"We sent a card," he said in a feeble voice. Even in the moment Cory thought a card was inadequate, but it had been so long since they had talked to Angela. They didn't know what else to do. "How is she? She's got two boys, right?"

"No, a boy and a girl. Jude's two and a half and Zora is fourteen months."

"How are they doing?"

"Angela's amazing with them. She's a great mom. She makes sure they're okay."

"And how is she?"

"I don't know to be honest. She hasn't talked much about her husband. But when he has come up it's all she can do not to cry, so what do you think?"

"I'd guess she's not doing well."

"Will you answer one question for me?"

"What?"

"Why did you and Topanga stop talking to her? Was it just that your lives got busy with Riley or what?"

"Honest?"

"Of course."

"Part of it was being busy with life. But I guess on some level I always blamed her for you leaving after Riley was born."

"But she wasn't even there."

"Exactly. She left with her dad and then she dumped you over the phone. What kind of person does that?

Shawn almost defended Angela, almost told Cory about everything they talked about, but realized it wasn't any of his business. "It wasn't as one sided as you make it out to be."

"Still, if she had been home with you where she belonged you would've stayed. You and Angela would've gotten married and had your own babies. Our kids could've been best friends and grown up together. I wouldn't have missed out on years with my best friend and you wouldn't have felt alone. We would've been one big happy family."

"That's a lot of blame to lay on one person."

"You asked me to be honest, not rational."

It wasn't funny, but he laughed anyway. Was there a more perfect way to describe Cory but honest and irrational? "I'm going to go eat dinner now."

"With Angela and her kids?"

"No, she's making me sit on the floor with the dogs," he fired back sarcastically. "What do you think?"

"Be careful, Shawnie."

"What does that mean?"

"It means I know you and I know how you think when Angela's involved. I get that you're both single now, but-"

"The ink on my divorce papers is hardly dry and she's a grieving widow! She's still wearing her wedding rings for crying out loud. We're hardly prime candidates for _The Love Connection_."

"You noticed her rings?"

"I'm hanging up now."

"Just promise you'll be careful."

"Fine, if it makes you feel better, yeah, I'll be careful." He ended the call before Cory could fabricate another vague warning out of thin air. Still, he wasn't surprised when his phone rang about a minute later. He was curious, however, when the caller id informed him it was Topanga calling. "Hello?"

She didn't bother with a greeting and got right to the point. "How is Angela doing, for real?"

"How would you be doing if you were in her place?"

"I'd be a wreck," she admitted quietly. She and Angela had remained friends only in the social media sense of the word over the years. There was the occasional liked photo or a shared link to a song that brought them back to high school, but that was about it. There were so many times she'd wanted to reach out, but she never knew what to say. Too much time had passed to pick up where they left off.

"Yeah. Why did you two stop talking anyway? I get why Cory shut her out, but you?"

"I didn't shut her out, not on purpose. Between school, Cory, work, kids, life…I guess I just lost track. It's not like she called me either. Besides, you know in the battle of you versus anyone you're always going to come out the winner around here. It's never a contest."

So Topanga was engulfed by life and too exhausted to have the Shawn vs. Angela battle with Cory, meaning he won by default. "I'll see you next week. Cory wants me to come over for dinner some night and he's annoying when you tell him no."

"You're preaching to the choir. Will you tell Angela I think about her all the time and if she ever needs to talk-"

"That would be more effective coming from you, don't you think?" At the very least Shawn knew he gave her something to consider. "I'll see you next week."

"Yeah, see you next week."

/

"Jude, don't give the dogs your dinner. They have their own food in their bowls that they need to eat."

"But they like food from Jude."

"I know but if they get too much people food it can hurt their stomachs and make them sick."

"And then they throwed up?"

Angela wrinkled her nose and pushed away her barely touched dinner plate. "Yes, sure. We don't want that." She sipped her water. "Eat your food and then it's bath time."

"Wow, maybe Zora should eat in the bathtub. It would save you time."

She rolled her eyes at Shawn's joke, but pointed to the microwave. "There's a plate in there for you. Just hit reheat."

"I'm guessing it's spaghetti for dinner?" He pressed the appropriate buttons on the microwave. "Seriously, I've never seen another human being covered in that much food before. Wait…I take that back. Our first year in New York Topanga dragged us to some kind of chocolate festival and we lost track of Eric. I'm still foggy on how it happened, but there was a chocolate fountain involved."

"I don't need any more details. Eric plus a chocolate fountain is enough."

Shawn grabbed his plate and went to take a seat at the table, deciding at the last minute to sit closer to Angela and the kids this time. "We didn't bother taking him home, just brought him to the first aid station and had the fire department turn the hose on him and- hey!" He looked down and there was a blob of elbow macaroni noodles covered in sauce on his shirt.

"What?" Angela looked around and spotted Jude with his arm up, another handful of food ready to be launched in Shawn's direction. "Jude, no, we do not throw food. Tell Shawn you're sorry." Instead of apologizing, her typically people pleasing son fired once again at his target. "Julius Kyle Sinclair, why did you do that?" He whispered at first, so she was unable to make out his words. "Talk louder so mama can hear you."

"Daddy chair," he said, pointing at Shawn.

She cleared her throat and had to fight to keep the tears that instantly came to her eyes at bay. It hadn't occurred to her to pay attention to where Shawn was sitting. She didn't even know Jude considered that to be Grant's chair. Angela got up and walked around the table, crouching beside her son. "If something makes you feel bad you have to use your words to tell me, okay? You don't throw food at people even when they make you mad."

"I mess up?"

She nodded and quickly wiped the corners of her eyes. "Yes."

"Sorry, mama."

"That's okay," she said, kissing his cheek. "You have to tell Shawn sorry, too. It was not nice to throw your food at him."

"I sorry, Don."

He was about to correct him but realized that would be counterproductive. Besides, the sh- sounds were supposedly more difficult for kids. "That's okay, Jude. I forgive you. I'm sorry I sat in your daddy's chair."

"You get forgiveness."

"Thanks, buddy." He was about to sit in the same chair as earlier, but didn't want to assume. "Is it okay if I sit in this one?" Jude nodded. "Thank you." His plan was to eat dinner as quickly as possible and go to his room. He was fairly certain he couldn't get into any trouble sitting in there. That was his goal, to make it through until tomorrow afternoon with as little drama as possible.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay with this one. Real life loves to interfere with fun hobbies. This isn't the most upbeat chapter, but I think I think it needed to be written. The next chapter will have more smiles, I promise.
> 
> And I miscalculated a little bit. This story will have seven chapters instead of six. Which I suppose is good if you enjoy reading me ramble on, lol.

Shawn leaned his elbows on the dryer and rested his head in his hands, the vibrations from the appliance almost enough to lull him to sleep. Angela offered him use of her washer and dryer so he didn't have to fly home with a bag full of dirty clothes, not that he hadn't done it multiple times before. But it would be nice to not have to worry about laundry the second he got home. Plus- and he felt terrible for thinking this- it gave him a little respite from the kids. They were noisy after dinner and their baths and seemed hell bent on making the other cry.

First Zora tried to take a toy Jude was playing with. That caused him to shove his sister and knock her to the floor. Then there was hair pulling, biting, and eye poking. He couldn't decide if they looked like mini, uncoordinated, UFC fighters or spot-on imitators of _The Three Stooges_. Regardless, he didn't know how to handle the tantrums and fighting. Angela seemed to sense that and shoved him in the direction of her laundry room instead, muttering something under her breath about not needing another child to look after. At least that's what he thought she said. For a few seconds he felt guilty for leaving her to referee the chaos alone, but rationalized it by telling himself she was used to it.

The dryer buzzed and startled Shawn from his dozing state. He quickly folded the clothes and repacked his bag. The house seemed quiet now. At the very least there was no screaming. He poked his head out and debated which way to go. If he went left it would take him down the hall to the guest room. Right would lead him through the kitchen and to the living room. The choice was made for him when he heard voices approaching the kitchen. He was just relieved they sounded happy.

"So what do we want for bedtime snack?"

"Na-na!"

"All right, banana for Zora." Angela strapped her daughter into a booster seat at the kitchen table. Her high chair would have to be taken out into the backyard and hosed off to remove the remnants of their spaghetti dinner. "You want a cracker, too?"

The girl patted her belly. "Mmm!"

She laughed. "That's a yes. Jude, what do you want?"

"Apple and cracker and peanut butter."

Angela got to work gathering the food. "And if Shawn is done hiding in the laundry room he can tell me if he wants a snack, too."

He crept out of the laundry room, a sheepish expression on his face. "I wasn't hiding."

"Please," she said, not bothering to hide that she rolled her eyes at the obvious lie. "Do you want anything," she asked after a few beats of silence.

"No, thanks, I'm fine. Can I help or get something?"

"Actually, can you get the dogs' leashes? They're hanging by the back door. My neighbor has been giving me a hand and taking Nala and Marshmallow on their nightly walk. He'll be here soon. He takes them out when he walks his dog."

"Gee, you'd better watch it," he quipped. "Maybe he's doing it with more than neighborly intentions." The second it left his mouth Shawn regretted it. It just popped into his head and out of his mouth. He couldn't help it. "Angela, I'm sorry. I-it was a joke…a bad joke." If looks could kill….

"Reggie is sixty-three years old and he and his wife are about to celebrate forty-two years of marriage. He was in the Air Force and his wife, Yvette, was a nurse in the army. They are among the finest people I have ever met. When I got that knock at my door about Grant they saw the uniforms walking up the driveway and showed up immediately to offer support. I trust them with my life, my kids' lives. So watch what you say before you make stupid _jokes_ about people you don't know."

He shoved his hands into his pockets and stared at the tile floor. "I-I'm sorry." So much for not causing any more drama. He was approaching Cory levels of sticking his foot in his mouth.

"Just get the leashes."

"Say peas, mama."

"What," she asked, turning around to look at the table.

"You forget to tell Don, peas."

Jude picked the worst moments to remember manners sometimes. "You're right. See, even mama forgets."

"S'okay. You get forgiveness."

The best thing about her kids was how quickly they could make her smile. "Thank you, baby." Her smile was short-lived and she took a deep breath before facing her former boyfriend again. "Shawn, could you get the dogs' leashes for me and put them on the coffee table, please?"

He was unaware that please could sound so hostile. "Sure."

"Thank you." No need to hear that lecture from the two and a half year old.

"You're welcome."

/

"Zora, what story do you want?"

"Da-da boo!"

Shawn's head shot up at her response. After the incident with his bad joke and the neighbor he'd been tempted to stay in the guest room for the night, but then Jude asked him if he wanted one of his apple slices. He didn't really, but figured anything that encouraged sharing was good. From there they moved to the living room where the kids played quietly for a little while with a children's show on quietly in the background. It was later than what Angela said their bedtimes were, but he assumed the household routines were thrown off due to their unexpected guest…him.

"You want to hear one of daddy's stories?" In the weeks leading up to his departure, Grant made videos of himself reading books for the kids, especially Zora. The same had been done for Jude before a previous deployment and he wanted to be sure she had her own stories. He also made videos of himself singing and dancing along to their favorite songs, but Angela saved those for when they were in need of a laugh. As much as she loved her husband she was the first to admit he couldn't sing. He knew it, too, but that only inspired him to play up the theatrics.

Angela retrieved a tablet from a high shelf on the bookcase before she took a seat on the couch and lifted the baby into her lap. Once they were settled and cozy she handed the device to her daughter, still amazed at how deft she was with the technology at her young age. Then again, she did ask for a 'da-da boo' almost daily. Angela wasn't going to complain about that. It was the nights she didn't pick Grant's stories that concerned her and made her worry Zora was starting to forget her daddy. "Which story are you going to pick?" She chuckled quietly when the little finger smacked against an icon on the screen. " _Peppa Pig_ …how shocking. You're too young to be this predictable, kiddo."

"Mama, sshh," she hissed and put her finger against her lips, mimicking an action she'd seen countless times before.

She worked hard not to laugh before whispering, "Sorry."

_"Hi, Zora!"_

"Da-da," she squealed, waving at the screen. "Hi-hi, da-da."

_"Are you being a good girl for mama?" ___

__"Zora goo."_ _

_"Good. You want to hear Peppa Goes Swimming? You sure love that pig."_

It was bizarre hearing the voice of Angela's husband, but seeing Zora so animated and happily interacting with the screen overrode most of the awkwardness for Shawn and almost made him smile. Almost. At least until it hit him that Zora had no idea her father wasn't coming home. Death was a concept way beyond what her mere fourteen months could comprehend. Hell, he was pushing forty and still didn't understand it himself. He wondered how much Jude was able to grasp. Yes, he was older than Zora, but not by much. He wasn't even three yet. Did he understand the permanence of death? 

__Speaking of Jude, he noticed the boy was no longer sitting beside him on the floor. They had been racing his Hot Wheels down a ramp. Shawn was embarrassed that it took a few minutes and a look from Angela to remind him that he was the adult and to let the little child win, at least sometimes. He'd been so caught up in playing with a toy he'd never had he forgot for a moment. But Jude's cars were abandoned beside the ramp and he was now on the couch with his sister and mother, laughing at the story and interacting with the image on the screen._ _

__What surprised him most was Angela. All day it seemed she was on the verge of tears, especially whenever her husband came up in conversation. Right now though, there were no tears. She was smiling. Sure, it wasn't an overwhelming, 'everything is great' kind of smile, but she was more at peace than he had seen her since the beach this morning. He got the sense that he didn't belong, that he was intruding on this deeply personal family moment. It wasn't a surprise when he was able to slip out of the room unnoticed._ _

__/_ _

__/_ _

__"Here you go. Here's your bunny." Angela placed the pink, long-eared bunny into Zora's crib and smiled when she automatically threw an arm around the stuffed animal and closed her eyes. She ran her fingers through her daughter's curls and kissed her forehead. "Good night." She walked a few feet over to Jude's bed next. She'd put the kids into the master bedroom with her the day she learned of her husband's death. They'd have to move back to their own rooms eventually, but she wasn't ready to let them go yet, even if it was just down the hall. She kept telling herself it was best for them, that they needed to be near their mama right now. But the truth was she needed to be near her babies. She needed them to give her the strength to get up every day._ _

__"Mama?"_ _

__She smiled at Jude and sat at the edge of his bed. "Time to go to sleep."_ _

__"Hugs," he asked, holding out his arms._ _

__Angela leaned down and wrapped him in a tight hug. "I love you, baby."_ _

__"'Love you, mama. I sleep in the big bed with you?"_ _

__He asked that every night and more often than not she woke up in the morning with Jude in bed with her. She knew no matter what she said tomorrow would start likely the same. "You need to try to sleep in your big boy bed first. If you need me you can come get me. You know that."_ _

__"Hug Mr. Spotty, too," he said, shoving his stuffed snow leopard into her side. "So this way he no a-scared."_ _

__She hugged his prized possession before giving it back. "Did that work or does he need another hug?"_ _

__"He good."_ _

__"Good, I'm glad." She tucked the sheet securely around Jude and Spotty. "Go to sleep. I'll see you both in the morning."_ _

__"Mama?"_ _

__"Yes?"_ _

__"When daddy come home?"_ _

__She sighed. The tough conversations always seemed to come at bedtime. "Do you remember what we talked about? You remember how we talked about daddy and how he's not coming home?"_ _

__"Yeah," he responded softly._ _

__"You remember when I told you that daddy got hurt very bad inside his body and doctors tried to fix him but they couldn't? When they couldn't fix him he died."_ _

__"But when he come home?"_ _

__"Jude, when someone dies they can't come home."_ _

__"But why?"_ _

__"Because he-because….that's just the way it is." She clenched his hands in one of hers and struggled for words to explain it in a way he would understand. "Mama doesn't know why. I wish he could come home but he can't."_ _

__"Not never?"_ _

__She shook her head and brushed a tear from her cheek. "No."_ _

__"But I want him to!"_ _

__"I know, baby, I know. I do, too." Angela lowered the guard rail and got into the bed, curling herself around her son. "Do you know what I do when I miss daddy?"_ _

__"You sad."_ _

__"Yes, a lot of times I'm sad and miss him so much I cry. Sometimes I feel mad and want to yell and scream because it's not fair. And it's okay if you feel mad and want to yell or feel sad and want to cry. That's okay. Tell mama and I will yell and cry with you." She took a deep breath in order to maintain control, but she didn't stop any tears that fell. It was important that Jude know it was okay to cry. "But do you know my favorite thing to do? I love to remember all of the good things about daddy that made me happy. I think about the times he made me laugh and smile. When did daddy make you laugh?"_ _

__"Birdie took his lunch," Jude asked through giggles._ _

__Angela laughed as memories of a day not that long ago came flooding back to her. They decided to take advantage of a free weekday and took the kids to the beach for a picnic lunch. Grant had gotten up from their blanket to retrieve a toy one of the dogs was too lazy to fetch when, out of nowhere, a seagull swooped down and stole the sandwich right out of his hand. "That was so funny, right?"_ _

__"It just went whoop…" Jude waved his hands around. "…and it stoled his food. Daddy got mad and said lots of bad words."_ _

__"Mama didn't like the bad words so much. But it was funny. You remember what else we did that day?"_ _

__"What?"_ _

__"We got ice cream cones and we played Frisbee with Nala and Marshmallow-"_ _

__"-and daddy help me made a sand house."_ _

__"Yeah, you and daddy made a big sand castle. I think it was the biggest one ever."_ _

__"But then Marshy lay down on it and broke it."_ _

__"He didn't mean to. Marshmallow is just a big, silly dog." She kissed his forehead. "What else about daddy makes you happy?"_ _

__"He lifted up a house!"_ _

__Grant was helping his brother level out the floors on his new home. This required jacking up a corner of the house. Of course Jude didn't see it that way. He saw it as his daddy lifting a whole house by himself. "Daddy was very strong."_ _

__"He more stronger than anybody."_ _

__"Yes, he was. We are very lucky, you know?"_ _

__"Why?"_ _

__"We got to love daddy and be his family; you and me and Zora."_ _

__"We are the winners?"_ _

__"Yeah, we're winners. Out of all the daddies in the world we got the very best one." He yawned and leaned against her. "Are you okay to go to sleep now," she asked. "I have to go downstairs so I can let Nala and Marshmallow in after Mr. Reggie brings them back from their walk."_ _

__"I okay. Spotty is okay, too."_ _

__"Good." She sat up and put the guard rail back in place. "I'll be back in a little while. After I get the doggies to bed I have to have my snack and my story, remember?"_ _

__"Mama, can I have my soft book?"_ _

__Angela leaned over and grabbed the book from a shelf. It was a cloth book that had family pictures. She had it made for Jude during one of Grant's deployments because he was afraid their son would forget him. "Here you go."_ _

__He opened it to the first page, a family portrait. "No Zora."_ _

__"Zora was hiding in my belly when we made it, remember?"_ _

__"Oh, yeah. I forget."_ _

__She leaned down and kissed his cheek. "Good night. I will see you in the morning."_ _

__"'Night-night, mama."_ _

__Angela closed the door quietly, leaving it ajar just in case Jude needed her. She nearly jumped out of her skin when she turned around and saw Shawn standing in the hall. "What the hell are you doing out here," she hissed._ _

__He grabbed his arm where she smacked him. "Ow."_ _

__"That's what you get for scaring me."_ _

__"I didn't mean to."_ _

__"What exactly did you mean to do? What, are you spying on me?"_ _

__"No, I just…I left my phone charger in my rental car and you took the keys away from Zora earlier. I looked around but didn't see them." While he hadn't intended to eavesdrop, he also didn't want to barge into her bedroom and interrupt what appeared to be a serious conversation with her son. But he needed his charger so the best course of action seemed to be to wait for her to come back out._ _

__"I think I put the keys on top of the fridge. Sorry for snapping at you."_ _

__"That's okay." He followed her down the hall. "By the way, that was really impressive."_ _

__"What was?"_ _

__"How you handled things with Jude…all of his questions. You knew exactly what to say. He really understood, too." Angela stopped halfway down the stairs and turned around to face him, her eyes glistening with tears. "That's amazing for a kid his age."_ _

__"We've had that conversation multiple times. Almost every night he asks when daddy's coming home and every night I have to break his little heart and explain that daddy isn't coming home ever again."_ _

__Shawn didn't know what to say. So he said nothing._ _

__"You think your life is hard? You want to trade places with me right now?"_ _

__His response was barely audible. "No."_ _

__She chuckled humorlessly and shook her head. "I didn't think so."_ _

__/_ _

__Though physical exhaustion weighed heavily on him, Shawn was unable to sleep. He glanced at the time and saw that, while it wasn't terribly late here, it was approaching one in the morning in New York and his body was still on New York time. As much as he wanted to blame the unfamiliar sleeping quarters he knew that wasn't it. It wasn't even about Angela, well at least not in the way he thought it would be. She looked haunted. Even when she smiled and laughed there was an aura of hurt and sadness that seemed to be etched into her soul. An ever-fixed mark, though not the kind Shakespeare talked about in the sonnets she introduced him to twenty or so years ago._ _

__After a few more minutes spent tossing and turning he kicked the blanket off and sat up. Would it be rude to go downstairs and see if Angela had anything appropriate for a late night snack, ruder still to raid the kids' juice boxes and their graham crackers? He decided it wouldn't matter so long as he replaced them before he flew back home. Shawn wasn't sure what time Angela went to bed, but figured if he felt this exhausted being mostly a spectator to her life she had to be bone-tired and passed out by now. He quietly crept down the hall, praying he didn't come across any surprise baby gates he'd have to hurdle. Luckily the guest room was on the first floor and he didn't have to mess with the gates on the stairs._ _

__Shawn made it to the kitchen without incident but before he could get his snack noise coming from the other room caught his attention, music specifically. After a minute or two of hesitation he decided to check it out and, after scaling a dreaded baby gate, found the living room empty. He frowned but then noticed a door that, he had earlier assumed led to a closet, was opened. He stuck his head inside and found Angela on a couch. She had a guitar across her lap, a notebook in front of her, and photo albums spread out on every available flat surface. He also spotted a half-eaten sandwich and remnants of a peach, much to his relief. He hadn't seen her eat more than two bites all day._ _

__She was scribbling something down and he knew better than to interrupt. After all these years he still remembered how she looked when she was lost in her creative process. It didn't matter if it was an article for the school paper, an assignment for a creative writing class, a poem, or apparently a song- the look was the same and only a fool would intrude now. A few seconds later she dropped the pencil and picked up her guitar. She sang of love and loss, the cruelties of fate, and the joy you felt for being able to take the ride at all. Shawn felt tears stinging his eyes long before she played the final note._ _

__"What are you doing here," she asked, not bothering to look back. "Isn't it like one in the morning your time."_ _

__He cleared his throat and waited a few seconds before he felt safe to speak. "How did you know? I thought I was pretty quiet."_ _

__"I could smell your hotel shampoo."_ _

__Shawn thought it odd that shampoo from his shower fifteen hours ago gave him away, but didn't challenge her. "Can I come in?"_ _

__"If you want."_ _

__"That's a beautiful song."_ _

__"I've still got some work to do on it, but thanks."_ _

__The further into the room he came the more he noticed the walls. At first Shawn thought the objects hanging to be pictures. After all, there was no shortage of them anywhere else. But most of what decorated this room weren't photographs. They were awards. There were a lot of military awards belonging to both Angela's father and husband. She also had awards up here, fairly prestigious writing awards from all over the globe. She'd been printed in languages he'd never heard of before. When he got to the next wall he stopped in his tracks. "Is that platinum record?"_ _

__"Yeah, I wrote a song, a record company liked it, someone famous decided to sing it, and it sold really well."_ _

__He read the title on the mock album. "You wrote that? That song was everywhere a few years ago. Wasn't it in all those promos for a big summer blockbuster?" He had vague memories of Riley and Maya constantly blasting the song. How weird they were singing Angela's words._ _

__"That was the summer Jude was born so that whole timeframe is a bit of a blur, but yes."_ _

__Shawn stopped just short of touching the record. It was then he noticed a few gold albums beside it for other songs. "I can't believe I didn't know you wrote music, too."_ _

__"I use my married name to write songs. My agent thought it would be better to distinguish my songwriting from my more serious journalism. As far as the rest of the world is concerned, Angela Moore writes about war, famine, political unrest, and environmental conservation. Angie Sinclair writes the music. They're both me, just different sides of me."_ _

__That explained it. While he was very well acquainted with Angela, Angie was a stranger. "So this new song…working on it for someone famous?"_ _

__"I don't know. I'm not sure I'll ever show it to anybody. I just know that I have to get it out of my system."_ _

__"I know what you mean." Shawn continued to scan the wall and was confused when he came to a photograph. Angela and Grant were in a hospital room and he was all smiles while she looked ready to commit murder. "What's going on here?"_ _

__She laughed when she saw where he was pointing and joined him by the wall. "I was in labor with Jude and Grant thought it would be fun to commemorate hour twenty-four of labor with a selfie. He meant it as a badge of honor, like _'look how bad ass and tough my wife is for surviving this'_ but I didn't see it that way. The last thing I wanted in my face was a camera. Seconds after that picture was taken I threatened to given him a vasectomy with a chainsaw."_ _

__He squirmed involuntarily. "Ouch."_ _

__"Don't screw with a woman in labor."_ _

__"Noted."_ _

__"Anyway, Grant insisted on hanging the picture up in here. He said it was the perfect addition to our brag room."_ _

__"A brag room?_ _

__"It's too big to be a closet and too small for anything else and as much as we liked to brag on each other, we were humble about our own accomplishments and didn't want to display our stuff around the house. This seemed like a good use of the room."_ _

__"It's better than hiding it in a box."_ _

__Angela straightened the photograph and remembered the day nearly three years ago when they welcomed Jude into the world. It had been a long, exhausting process, but she didn't remember the pain, the agony. All she remembered was finally having her little boy in her arms and the pride in Grant's eyes when he saw his son for the first time. He thanked her over and over for making him a daddy. She never imagined that he'd only get to be a daddy for a short amount of time before he was ripped away from them without warning. Now she had to raise their children alone and she didn't know how to do it without him._ _

__Shawn could see she was lost in thought, but before he could even wonder if it was his place to ask her about it, something on the inside of her left wrist caught his eye. "Who's Arily?"_ _

__"What?"_ _

__"Your tattoo."_ _

__She looked down at her wrist before tracing the letters- Grant's handwriting- with her right index finger. "Always remember I love you."_ _

__"Huh?"_ _

" _A.R.I.L.Y._ It's an acronym: Always Remember I Love You. Whenever Grant was…when he was deployed there was no guarantee it would be safe for him to contact me. Even when he could it was often just a quick text or email. We found a way to say all we were feeling with just a few letters. There were so many times his communication would consist of just this. But whenever I saw _A.R.I.L.Y._ I knew he was okay. I even got a text the morning he…it said _A.R.I.L.Y._. So I thought he was safe," she whispered, tears threatening to spill out. "He was supposed to be safe." 

__"Angela-"_ _

__"We were six months away. Six damn months and then we were going to be free."_ _

__What was there to say? Hell, he didn't even know what she meant by six months away. "Angela, it's okay."_ _

__"No! It's not okay. My husband's dead. My kid's don't have their father. It's never going to be okay again! Why is this happening? What did I do to deserve this?"_ _

__Shawn decided to take a chance. He expected Angela to reject the hug and push him away, but she didn't. She clung to him as if her life depended on it. Her face was buried in his shirt and he soon felt her tears soaking through to his skin. He wanted to say something reassuring, something that would bring her comfort, but was at a loss. Nothing he could ever say would be good enough. This wasn't something he could fix._ _

__So he did the only thing he could: he held her and didn't let go._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish I could take credit for A.R.I.L.Y. but I can't. I don't remember where or when I saw/heard it, but I always thought it was very sweet.


End file.
